Monday, August 31, 2009

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


I get some pretty cool stuff in the mail. As the former president of a non-profit group that is now defunct, I still receive bulletins and brochures from businesses that cater to organizations that may be staging events for the public. The most interesting thing I've received of late is a "SPECIAL EVENT PORTABLE RESTROOM CALCULATOR." NEVER AGAIN will I be at a loss to determine how many portable toilets I will need for my next Super Bowl party! It's all right here in this handy calculator. For example, if I'm staging an event where 500 attendees are expected, (big Super Bowl party) and the time length of the event will be about 5 hours, I will need SIX portable restrooms to serve everyone's needs; however, if ALCOHOL is being served, (and that's a given at a Super Bowl party) I will need SEVEN portable pee palaces to fill the bill.

Isn't that great?

My special event portable restroom calculator takes into account that people have to run to the potty more often when they're drinking. This little device thinks of everything!

Oh, and you'll love this. There's a note that states: The number of restrooms (why do they call
them "restrooms" when they're just mobile outhouses like we used to have down on the farm?) should increase if over 50% of expected attendees are female.

Ladies, let's have your comments on that.

Yes, with my handy portable event restroom calculator, I'm prepared for ANY event drawing up to ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND people. Just so you know, a 5 hour event with that many people requires 691 portable poopers. If alcohol is being served, the number goes up to 781. (Then you gotta figure in how many women you might have and adjust accordingly.)

So the next time you're planning a wedding, birthday party, or a bar mitzvah--no need to make your guests stand (or squat) out behind the house writing their initials in the snow. NO! Just call on me and I'll get my trusty calculator out and give you all the portable privy (cuz I'm privy to it) information you'll need. And I know where to get them.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


1. A big buncha saguaro cacti in the national park next door.
2. Like...mountains, man!
3.The Woodpecker Hotel.
4.Strange looking UFO hovering near Timoteo's back yard.

Friday, August 14, 2009


When you are shouting
In my face...
And I am shouting
In your face...

Each of us is trying
To reason with a lunatic

Thursday, August 6, 2009


The previous picture was from the nineties.
This one is from a coupla weeks ago.
I got sue me!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


Hi there, guys... it's ME--THE BACHELORETTE! I know you GUYS watch The Bachelor-- cause it's like, every guy's fantasy to have this harem of 25 semi-attractive to attractive chicks to choose from--each of them so hard-up that they have to go on a TV show and cat fight with all the other girls to try to win the affections of this ONE semi-attractive to attractive dude. Yeah,
you don't want to admit to watching The Bachelorette, where the tables are turned and I am the GODDESS! But I know you're there.
Anyway, that was some finale, wasn't it? I had to pick between Ed and Kiptyn--and you know, I was IN LOVE with both of them. Really! Then REID shows up out of the blue to try to get me to pick him--and BOY, that's when I realized I was in love with HIM too! Amazing, huh? And after knowing each of these guys for only a FEW WEEKS.

I know people think,"What's wrong with you, girl?" You gonna get ENGAGED to some guy you've never even been with without the cameras filming you the whole time--that's just STUPID. And why YOU so hard up you have to go on this dumb show to begin with?
Well, okay--you've got a point there. But we aren't so DUMB, or even over-sexed (well, that's another story). We know that being on this show can give our careers a big boost, and that's the biggest reason why we're here. Hell, I might be able to parlay this gig into hosting my own GAME SHOW or something. And that thing about the cameras being on...hey, you forgot about the FANTASY SUITE, where I do a sleepover with each of the last three--or is it four--guys?Kind of hard to remember who I was with, come to think of it... or even remember their NAMES. But I know that I was definitely IN LOVE with all of them! And no cameras in the fantasy suite. No siree, BOB! (Was Bob one of them?)
Now, you out there watching in TV land have always wondered what's REALLY going on in the fantasy suite, where I'm spending the night with some guy I HARDLY KNOW-- but am definitely, one hundred percent SURE that I'm in LOVE with. Well...WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING ON? We're all adults here...duh! And the other two--or is it three--guys I spend the night with on the show...I just tell each of them that hey, Whatshisname and me, we just cuddled and then went to sleep. But let me tell you, in reality I was one WORN OUT little Bachelorette after those fantasy suite pajama parties!

So as you know from watching the show, I finally chose Ed to be the last man standing. The ONE AND ONLY love of my life! Even though I was still agonizing over Reid and Kiptyn just a couple of hours earlier. Because either of THEM could have been the one and only love of my life, but hey, you gotta pick SOMEBODY...that's the rules of the show!

Now, Ed and I are happily engaged, and we'll say our vows sometime...uh...NEXT YEAR, I think. But in the meantime, I'll be a busy girl. I'm in negotiations to do a photo shoot for Ladies Home Journal, a guest appearance on the Ellen DeGeneres Show, and a commercial for Trojan condoms!

Now don't forget, guys...the new season of The Bachelor is coming soon--where some lucky, semi-attractive to attractive couple will find TRUE LOVE forever!