A LITTLE HOLIDAY CHEER

Holidays are always quiet
for me
since I became a full-fledged
misanthrope.

It's not that I hate people
really
it's just that there's 
so damn many of 'em
everyplace you turn--
the source of all 
the world's evil.

I mean who else would it be...
the kindly elephant???

No worries though
as one by one
the fair-weather friends
drop by the wayside 
like they slipped
on a banana peel.

One day they're there
and the next 
POOF
they've removed themselves
from your life
with nary a word.

Good riddance to bad rubbish
as the quaint old saying goes.

(They've done a favor
actually
and saved you
from having to haul out that trash
yourself.)

More time to watch Dog TV
and I don't even have a dog.
But it makes for a pleasant
and quiet yuletide
as you don't see many humans
on there.
Just a contented mutt
and his bone.

Come to think of it
that describes me to a T.

Happy holidays, y'all!

POOP SOUP

Imaginary Gardens With Real Toads--d'Verse Poets Pub

An oldie but goodie! When I read something from a few years back (that YOU probably haven't seen) and I'm cracking myself up again, I say: This one deserves another turn in the spotlight!


ONE

I see...

a home

where the buffalo roam

no more

I see...

a land stained

by the blood

of conquest

I see...

a gypsy palm reader

spitting on your hand--

you spit in her face

I see...

you at the theatre

with your head buried

in your iPhone

for most of the movie

but anyone can see

it's really up your butt

I see...

you incurring substantial debt

for the purchase of material items

that the recipient will neither welcome

nor appreciate

and that is called The Holidays

I see...

You being trampled to death

at a large department store

on Black Friday

TWO

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...

I wore white after Labor Day

it was kind of an off-white

so I thought it might be alright

no one in my ghetto

seemed to care

Such pretense

when our prehensile tails

are not that far removed

clackety-clack

don't look back

And now Ladies and gentlewomen

here to sing a medley of his most DEPRESSING hits,

the ever maudlin... JOSH GROBAN!

(song playing)

Announcer: We interrupt this song to bring you a news flash...a young woman, listening to our station, has just jumped off her 16th story balcony!

happy

sad

happy

sad

happy happy

sad sad

happyhappyhappy

sadsadsad

the world is bi-polar

(That's north and south, for you geography majors!)

hum dee dum

ya lousy bum

THREE

1st man: Hello, my name is Fu Chow.

2nd man: Pleased to meet you. My name is Egg Foo Yong.

1st man: Yes, I have heard of you...people say that you are a good Egg.

And now, the new craze that's sweeping the nation...SAINT VITUS DANCE!

Round and around

and around and around

and around we go

Take your anti-depressants,

America,

but don't forget the increased

risk of suicide...

EXCUSE ME

but hasn't anyone noticed

that's the exact OPPOSITE

of the intended effect?

Looking for the quick fix

has put us in quite a fix

(Spit on the drug addict

while deluding yourself

that your chain smoking

isn't the exact same thing)

You're listening to Radio KSUK...all Josh Groban--ALL the time...that's right, America, we're JOSHING you 24 hours a day!

(song playing)

We interrupt this song to bring you a special news bulletin...no basketball players were charged with killing any hookers today...

And you wonder why

you have A.D.D.

America,

when there's a commercial

break

every five minutes

Capitalism could have worked

were it not for the

inherent

incessant

need for MORE MORE MORE

built into the human psyche

So go ahead and anoint

your sports teams

as WORLD champions

when no outside teams participated...

You will always be the Earth

that the sun revolves around

until it draws close enough

to consume you in its fire

THIS MIND LEFT INTENTIONALLY BLANK