Saturday, October 30, 2010


He met his maker
in a Studebaker
that crashed head-on
doing ninety

It was whispered
in the halls
that all they found of him
were his balls

The crash scene
reeked of booze
And I remembered his tattoo:
Born to lose

Friday, October 22, 2010


are like
Fruit Cocktail...
the pears
the grapes
the cherries
taste the same
they're drowning
in all that syrup

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


I saw you again
at the last red light
the girl on the billboard
flagging a ride
to catch a flight

But all wings
to the City Of Angels
were grounded by fog
so we taxied around
until we found
a cheap room

There were clean sheets
but no Bible

You kissed me awake
with your haunted eyes
ran your hands
down my worn Levis

We poured the wine
and talked about how it feels

You said: How is it effected
this transformation
from image to cell?
I said: I learned it once
in a madhouse
just a place we called hell
and you're a material witness

With the dawn
a woman's voice
singing an ancient tune

Your picture in the paper
an apparent suicide
from the east side
of the river

The girl on the billboard
at the last red light
the fog had lifted
at last she made her flight

Saturday, October 16, 2010


in a while
some scrappy sonzabitches
beat the odds
when they had no right
to expect it

And the rest of us
fists pumping
our spirits bolstered
as we gamble
on our own tomorrows

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


For One Shot Wednesday

You've come a long way
from the bustle
to the thong

While you're thinking chic
we're thinking CHEEK
but what's been lost
is a certain mystique
that made grandpa
stay with grandma
for half a century
so entranced by finally laying
eyes upon that which had been concealed
for so long that he never got over it

But now
with nothing left to the imagination
could it be that men will find
that we are REALLY more attracted to your mind?

Friday, October 8, 2010


SNORE Productions presents: BUZZKILLERS!

For the first time ever in one collection, here are twelve of the most insipid, inane, stupid, boring, draggy, guaranteed to put you to sleep songs ever to hit the pop charts!

They're all here! The songs that either bored you to tears or drove you to the brink of suicide, as they were played OVER and OVER and OVER again on the radio, or in places (like elevators) where there was no escape!

You might have to wait for hours to hear EACH of these BUZZKILLERS on the radio, and meanwhile, you'd still be wide awake. But not so with this amazing collection! Just slap on the CD and you're on your way to blissful, merciful sleep--knowing that it's your only escape!

"Killing Me Softly" by Roberta Flack. What an apt title! One of the most exasperating songs ever written, as it seemingly never ends--going on and on without the slightest tempo change. And what the hell is strumming my pain supposed to mean anyway?

Plus, you get a BONUS song from Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face."
Taken from the Clint Eastwood movie, Play Misty For Me--about a crazed, homicidal groupie who stalks this radio deejay. It seemed poignant in the movie, because it was attached to a steamy love scene-- but out of context, it's hands-down the slowest, draggiest, barely breathing song ever recorded, and any deejay who plays it deserves what he gets from that groupie!

James Taylor's "You've Got a Friend." James Taylor is THE MAN, but there was a period in his career when all he wanted to do was mournful tunes like this one. If you ARE my friend, James, how about some "Steamroller Blues"?

Hey, we're just getting started, folks! No one could forget Debbie Boone's "You Light Up My Life." Pat Boone's daughter--her only other claim to fame besides this song was an acne commercial! Never mind that she couldn't sing--this insipid tune has probably killed more relationships by being played on Valentines Day than any other!

And that brings us to Elvis Presley's "Love Me Tender." It got to the point where anything that had Elvis's voice on it was a guaranteed hit. Even this yawner, with nothing but an acoustic guitar accompaniment strumming like, three chords. As big as he was, you'd have thought they could have afforded some instrumentation.

Oh my God--it's Bobby Goldsboro's "Honey." Okay, she died. Do you have to bring the rest of us down to your level of abject grief, when all we're trying to do is get that report finished so we can hand it in to the boss? Go drink yourself to death and join her! The ultimate tearjerker...too bad if you were in a good mood today.

"Feelings" by Morris Albert. Feeeelings...whoa oh oh feeeelings...trying to forget my... feeeelings of love... We're trying to forget that we ever heard this song. It's not working...aaarrgghhhh...IT'S NOT WORKING!

Next, it's that Merilee Rush classic: "Angel Of The Morning." She shacked up with the guy and he kicked her out in the morning. Now she's claiming to be an angel. By that standard, Madonna is a saint! The beginning of this song sounds like it was lifted from a funeral dirge.

"Don't Give Up On Us Baby" by David Soul. So saccharin, there should be a warning label that says this song may be hazardous to your health. She dumped you already, dude. No amount of pleading is going to get her back--plus, she stole your TV. How did this guy have the nerve to use SOUL for his last name?

"You Don't Bring Me Flowers" from Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond. No, you don't bring me flowers anymore. You won't even get up off your dead ass to bring me a beer. This is what relationships eventually fall into. It happens. But this song never should it over yet?

Don't go away--there's more! Yes, it's Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings." You supported me...I took all the glory...and now I'm throwing you a bone by writing this song for you, my good friend. More like the wind beneath my BUNS--get it?

And last but certainly least, we have "Tie A Yellow Ribbon" by Tony Orlando. The only bouncy tune in this collection. It's cute, the first time you hear it--but by the 500th time, you want to smash your radio against the wall! And all those yellow ribbons people started desecrating the trees with...uh, pardon me, but you're trespassing on my property, JERK!

There you have it folks! Be one of the first one thousand people to order BUZZKILLERS and we'll throw in a FREE alarm clock to get you up in the morning after your restful sleep!

(WARNING: Avoid listening while driving--WILL cause drowsiness.)

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


For One Shot Wednesday

I'm gonna love you till...

The stars fall from the skies
Till all the lakes and rivers run dry
Till the eyes roll back inside your head
Till all the Osmond Brothers are dead

I'm gonna love you till...

You're weak in the knees
Till Stephen King stops killing all the trees
Till Madonna bares nothing but her soul
Till Santa stops filling my stocking with coal

I'm gonna love you till...

Justin Bieber is an old fuddy-duddy
Till Dick Cheney stop shooting his hunting buddies
Till Ugly Betty takes off those stupid looking glasses
Till gas prices stop kicking our asses

I'm gonna love you till...

I eat some chocolate covered ants
Till Britney Spears puts on some pants
Till O.J. finds the real killer
Till I have a wet dream about Phyllis Diller

I'm gonna love you till...

All the Hummer owners put the earth ahead of their egos
Till all the guys with beer guts quit wearing speedos
Till Kathy Lee Gifford promises never to sing
Till Pee Wee Herman stops fooling with his thing

I'm gonna love you till...

All the CRAP that's made in China is safe again
Till they get those muhfugging snakes off this plane
Till the Grinch Who Stole Christmas is apprehended
Till all the holes in my BVDs are mended

I'm gonna love you till...

Sarah Palin wins another election
Till I figure out what to do with this four hour erection
Till I start up a band that's called "The Schmucks"
Till health care in America no longer sucks

I'm gonna love you till...

Hillary is back in the White House
Till you spay or neuter your spouse
Till The Blue Man Group looks pretty in pink
Till Glenn Beck stops raising such a stink

I'm gonna love you till...

Donald Trump lives in a one room shack
Till Kirstie Alley skips a snack
Till those greedy bastards extract the last drop of oil from the earth
Till the Octomom stops giving birth

I'm gonna love you till...

Pluto is reinstated as a planet
Till Jimmy Hoffa is found encased in granite
Till Ted Nugent becomes a vegetarian
Till Paris Hilton becomes a great humanitarian

I'm gonna love you till...

Lucy stops screwing with Charlie Brown's head
Till all the starving children are fed
Till The Ghost of Christmas Past comes to bite me on the ass
Till somebody explains to me what the appeal is of Rascal Flatts

I'm gonna love you till...

The men's crapper at the Denver Greyhound bus station gets the doors back on its stalls
Till Lindsay Lohan stops climbing the walls
Till Natalie Holloway is found
Till Simon and Garfunkel are homeward bound

I'm gonna love you till...

Someone decides what's wrong and what's right
Till I don't have to pee in the middle of the night
Till all the wars are fought by politicians
Till the children of the ghetto have decent living conditions

I'm gonna love you till...

We stop insulting seniors by calling them "Honey"
Till they find all of Bernie Madoff's money
Till we understand that borders are only in our minds
Till a man takes a stroll on Mars just to see what he finds
Till the nuclear missiles are removed from their pads
Till babies grow up again with DADS
Till every homeless person has a warm place to sleep
Till an eye-for-an-eye becomes turn the other cheek
Till mercy and justice prevail
Till I get my tax refund check in the mail

I'm gonna love you till I put out the dog and bring in the cat...
Do YOU wanna be loved like that?