women's restroom line
longer than the men's--
more practiced in the art of holding it
we had an outhouse
that was a two-seater--
ma and pa held hands
Kaopectate convention
in Acapulco...
location location location
Friday, July 15, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
REHAB
Mah woman caught me lookin'
at another gal on the street
mah woman looked right up at me
and said in a voice so sweet:
YA GOTTA GO TO REHAB, REHAB,
YES YOU DO--
REHAB, REHAB,
OR I JUST CANNOT BE WITH YOU!
Rehab, rehab,
it's rehab for me and you--
rehab, rehab.
DON'T ASK--it's just the thing to do!
You'll deal with all those issues
of which your life is fraught
you'll deal with all those issues
you never had till you got caught
You'll have a bunch of counselors
they'll teach you everything
they'll teach you how to think
with something besides your ding-a-ling
Rehab, rehab,
it's rehab for me and you--
rehab, rehab,
DON'T ASK--it's just the thing to do!
You'll meet those famous philanderers
like Tiger and Jesse James
and all those other celebutards
whose lives went down in flames
They've been turned into robots
the kind of guys a gal can trust
they're caring and they're sensitive
and best of all--MONOGAMOUS!
It's the modern day equivalent
of a frontal lobotomy
gotta go to rehab
just to save me from bein' me!
Oops...ah farted...
gotta go to rehab for fartin'
Oops...I drooled right down mah shirt...
gotta go to rehab for droolin'
Oops...didn't use no deodorant...
gotta go to rehab for stinkin'
Now a man is gonna be a man
no matter what they try to say
if it feels good--DO IT--
just don't hurt no one along the way
Rehab, rehab,
it's rehab for me and you
rehab, rehab,
DON'T ASK--it's just the thing to do!
It's the modern day equivalent
of a frontal lobotomy
gotta go to rehab
just to save me from bein' me...
yeah, ah gotta go to rehab
just to save me from bein' me!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
SENRYU STEW # 6: Adventures With Gypsy
early morning walk--
Gypsy sniffs
the latest Pmail
Gypsy perks up
when other pooches woof at her--
attention hound
strolling past the bank
with Gypsy--
she makes a deposit
Sunday, June 12, 2011
THE SUMMER FLIES
The summer flies are banging
against my front screen door again
how insistent they are
on gaining their freedom
I just get settled on the sofa
and I hear them slamming
against the metal again
I rise to crack open the door
and allow another bunch to escape
How accommodating I've become
in my involuntary and ever growing
awareness of fleeting time
Go...GO I say
and be flies
go and eat poop
and whatever you can snatch
from someone's bistro cafe sandwich
go and be a scourge upon the populace
annoying and pissing off one and all
with your kamikaze fly bys
the world is your cat box
so feast your omniscient eyes upon it
and take it all in
It's all over in a few weeks
you know
MY
how
the
summer
flies
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
And now...the heroic adventures of...CACTUS MAN! (he's one PRICKLY dude! )
We join Cactus Man at the local supermarket, where a relatively new trend is developing. Drugstores, markets, and the like are acting as collection points for various charities, and it is now commonplace for cashiers--at the behest of management-- to ask customers in the check out line if they would "like" (no pressure, of course) to donate money to the specific charity du jour. We'll conveniently add it to your bill.
CASHIER: Good morning sir, did you find everything okay?
C.M. Everything but my rear end...I seem to be losing it everyday in this economy.
CASHIER: (Oblivious, and ready to launch into her spiel): Oh, and would you like to donate a dollar to the Sisters of Perpetual Glum and Sorrow?
C.M.: Hmmm...you're the supermarket chain that touts "low prices everyday," are you not? And yet, I noticed that those rutabagas I bought are now a DOLLAR more per pound than they were last week...and most of your other prices have been steadily rising as well.
CASHIER: Well... ah...er...I only work here...
C.M. : (Raising his voice for nearby customers to hear) Last week I could have afforded to kick in that extra buck, but like most people these days, I'm on a budget. So who do you think is ultimately responsible for the Sisters of Perpetual Glum and Sorrow not getting that extra dollar in their pocket...ME? Or could it be...CORPORATE GREED???
CASHIER: Uhh...(hack...splutter...cough...choke...burp)... er...so did you find everything okay, sir?
C. M.: I'll find my way out the door is what I'll do--and likely never come back!
CASHIER: (brightly) Okay...next?
STAY TUNED FOR THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF...CAAACTUUS MAAAAAANN...he's one PRICKLY dude!
Friday, June 3, 2011
SENRYU STEW # 5: Supermarket Blues
my supermarket
boasts low prices everyday--
consumer fraud
spaces in the parking lot
already occupied---
shopping carts
emerging from the aisle
with my cart piled high...
T-boned
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
RHETORICAL QUESTION
And so I ask myself
why THESE people
knowing it's a rhetorical question
there never being enough time
to subject the whims and wiles
of fate to psychoanalysis
Yet even the most callous
among us surveying this devastation
would surely give pause to reflect
Why THESE people?
These humble people
these salt of the earth people
raising families
making ends meet
one way or t'other
filling the churches to capacity
on Sunday mornings
And every year
it's the same deadly fury
touching down from the sky
like the fingers of God
so beautiful in its own horrific way
And yet
survivors
not cursing the dawn
just feeling thankful
to be alive
their faith undiminished
unshaken
in the terrible awe-filled light
of morning
Yes they could leave
but their roots grow deep
in the earth and the soil
the seeds of their destiny
sown at an early age
Not like me
the kid who grew up among them
who heard the siren songs calling
on distant radio stations
deep into the night
the kid who was always going to leave
who nonetheless
never forgot
where he came from
So maybe you can understand
when I bow my head
and ask why THESE people?
These stoic people
these turn the other cheek people
these do with me what you will O' Lord people
Already contemplating the rebuilding work ahead
Just another of life's puzzles
I guess
the jigsaw pieces scattered
like the haphazard wreckage of their lives
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
ANOTHER DAY
Ambrosius Bosschaert
"Bouquet of Flowers on a Ledge"
courtesy: lacma.org
June 5, 2011
Delia awakes in a dream
in which a flower vase
teetering on a lofty ledge
uses every ounce of free will
to either cling to what is known
or take the plunge--
the roses in the vase more alive
than the people below who shuffle along
in a dream
of a dream
of life
In the street
a naked sumo wrestler
drives by in a tiny golf cart
and pinches the bottoms
of unsuspecting shoppers--
too smug to acknowledgethat they have felt something--
while two midgets
unbeknownst to each other
walk on stilts concealed beneath their clothes
blending in with the crowd
When the midgets meet
each smirks into the face of the other
automatically assuming the other
to be someone with nothing to hide
While high upon the ledge
the wind
like the voice of God
whispers to the flowers in the vase
that teeters on the brink
From nearby windows the random sounds
of conversation are heard:
End of the world ain't no excuse not
to take out the garbage, ya lazy bum...
And then:
Did you see that woman Arnold slept with?
Any port in a storm, I guess..
And then:
I'll show you the end of YOUR world--
see my fist?
And then:
Yeah, but that was only after Maria said
GIT OFFA ME, YOU BIG TUB O' GOO!
And then:
All these years we worshiped Lance
and now it comes out he's just another cheater...
And then:
Did you see Britney's butt on TV?
damn thing is HUGE!
And then:
Ah STILL don't believe that's the real birth certificate...
And then
having heard enough
the vase that teeters on the edge
relinquishes its lofty perch
to descend into a world where people
walk along in a dream
of a dream
of life...
about to experience a momentary awakening
Friday, May 20, 2011
THIEF OF MOMENTS
June 7, 2011
Beware the Thief Of Moments
for although I am near you
in a casual way
you will not suspect
that I have come to rob you
of your secrets
just to hold a piece of your essence
next to my heart
Shagging what you toss to the wind
as you stroll through the park with your lover
the random bits of conversation
you feed each other
like morsels from a picnic lunch
become my sustenance
tormented by this inexplicable need
I must devour your words
so that I may live
Did you ever hear about
the ice cream wars in Montana?
The guys who ride around in trucks
peddling frozen delights
while the music blares from their speakers
the competition is so fierce
they try to horn in on each other's territory
sometimes one chases the other down the street
trying to shoot his tires out
while the children watch
and the music plays merrily on
I lifted that from a couple guys
at the gas pumps
they were filling their tanks
and unwittingly
filling mine as well
A young blonde
no more than seventeen
beautiful
with that girl-next-door look
sitting with her friends at the mall
I walk by and hear her say
I know it was a hazing
but bamboo shoots up my bum?
That was a tiny lunch
but strangely satisfying
In a department store
a woman clings to her shopping cart
for support
something is wrong with her foot
I can't walk on it honey
she says to her husband
I can't walk on it
There is a silence
Then STAND on it
comes his icy reply
This leaves a bitter taste in my mouth
but it is sustenance just the same
I am the Thief Of Moments
and I must devour your words
so that I may live
A moment
once shared
becomes a conspiracy
the accomplices like revolutionaries
plotting in the torch light
of underground chambers
I am the spy in your midst
You will never know of my betrayal
until it appears in a poem somewhere
A moment is such a long time
when it lives forever
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
POETS UNITED !
HEY KIDS !
There is an interview with me over at the Poets United site!
If you've ever wanted to learn about what makes Timoteo tick, click on the link and check it out.
Many thanks to Sherry Blue Sky for her amazing work on this!
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