Tuesday, June 7, 2011

And now...the heroic adventures of...CACTUS MAN! (he's one PRICKLY dude! )

We join Cactus Man at the local supermarket, where a relatively new trend is developing. Drugstores, markets, and the like are acting as collection points for various charities, and it is now commonplace for cashiers--at the behest of management-- to ask customers in the check out line if they would "like" (no pressure, of course) to donate money to the specific charity du jour. We'll conveniently add it to your bill.

CASHIER: Good morning sir, did you find everything okay?

C.M. Everything but my rear end...I seem to be losing it everyday in this economy.

CASHIER: (Oblivious, and ready to launch into her spiel): Oh, and would you like to donate a dollar to the Sisters of Perpetual Glum and Sorrow?

C.M.:'re the supermarket chain that touts "low prices everyday," are you not? And yet, I noticed that those rutabagas I bought are now a DOLLAR more per pound than they were last week...and most of your other prices have been steadily rising as well.

CASHIER: Well... only work here...

C.M. : (Raising his voice for nearby customers to hear) Last week I could have afforded to kick in that extra buck, but like most people these days, I'm on a budget. So who do you think is ultimately responsible for the Sisters of Perpetual Glum and Sorrow not getting that extra dollar in their pocket...ME? Or could it be...CORPORATE GREED???

CASHIER: Uhh...(hack...splutter...cough...choke...burp)... did you find everything okay, sir?

C. M.: I'll find my way out the door is what I'll do--and likely never come back!

CASHIER: (brightly)



  1. Sigh. When did this "Did you find everything okay?" start, and why does every store use it now? Like they care.

    I also hate these stupid promos where you send in a bottle cap or a yogurt top and the corporation donates money. Just give them some money, you greedy bastards!

    Oh, no, you pushed some buttons. LOL. Sorry.

  2. Cactus Man may have a point there, but I think he was kind of being a prick about it. That kind of behavior really gets under people's skin.

  3. THINGY,
    Well said! Let's see...what will happen if I push THIS button over here?

    LOL! And so will HE, if you get too close to him!

  4. ha prickly indeed..good write timoteo...i felt a bit sad for the cashier though...

  5. ha, i love cactus man! tell it...the cashier is probably wishing he never asked that opening question...

  6. You're always good for a smile. Cactus Man should have asked for a manager. I want to hear that conversation, ha!

  7. As you always do, Tim... right to the POINT!

  8. At least it's better than the former "Would you like to sign up for our credit card?" spiel that they now are too leery to use since everyone's in debt to their eyeballs.

    I like cacti.

  9. haha Cactus man is one prickly dude
    May be a bit crude
    Trying not to be rude
    Or to intrude
    Enjoyed the write
    And Cactus man's plight

  10. I needed Cactus Man yesterday where a bored young man who obviously LOATHED his job in retail (who can blame him?) seethed with barely disguised rage at having to load my bookshelves onto a trolley and jam them into my car. Turns out he had been watching the hockey game in the back room and I took him away at an inopportune moment:) Hee hee.

  11. Oh my gosh. I started laughing one time, because they not only asked if I found everything, they asked if I wanted to sign up for a free year's subscription to a magazine, did I want to get a credit card with the store and get 10% off now, and would I like to have that in plastic or paper, would I like to donate a dollar to cerebral palsy, and did I need any help out with my bag (with a dozen eggs inside). My friend and I were laughing so hard, we couldn't stop and I always remember it because I never shop there anymore.

  12. SHERRY,
    Only the best and the brightest, eh?

    Geez, it's a wonder they don't ask you to donate blood at the checkout counter!

  13. DOUG,
    Cactus Man just can't stand those needling comments!

  14. Hell Yes Cactus, get pricky...andyes damnit I want a bag..they don't charge for their bags where I go so they try to intimidate people with their...'Do you want a bag?' they ask as if it's an insult to society, poor lady before me left without one, before she opened her mouth'I said hell yes I want a bag.' no manners I'm going to count on Cactus Man to right and write the wrongs, thank you very much

  15. I don't blame CM for being a prick. I hate it when they ask me a bunch of questions when I just want to get my groceries and leave.

    You've caught on to Cactus Man's mission--to fight for the Everyman, and to ask the pointed questions when no one else will!


    CASHIER: Would you LIKE to shell out more money on top of the already inflated prices you paid for our groceries, even though you'll just have to trust us that it will go to where we say it's going to go, and not to buy booze and whores for our corporate executives?

    CACTUS MAN: Would you LIKE to kiss my ass?

  17. It gets more and more stressful every day to go shopping and I hated it to begin with. All we get from the cashiers here is

    Cashier: "Hi how are you?"

    Me: Good thanks and you?

    At this point they proceed to tell you how hungover, tired, sick blah blah blah they are and how much they hate their job which really smarts when you are looking for a job and can't get one. Sheesh! Then after all that they say "Have a nice day".

    Yeah because after that positive experience I feel on top of the world!!!!

  18. GYPSY,
    Truly Funny! Yeah, have a nice day...thanks for setting the tone!