Friday, October 8, 2010


SNORE Productions presents: BUZZKILLERS!

For the first time ever in one collection, here are twelve of the most insipid, inane, stupid, boring, draggy, guaranteed to put you to sleep songs ever to hit the pop charts!

They're all here! The songs that either bored you to tears or drove you to the brink of suicide, as they were played OVER and OVER and OVER again on the radio, or in places (like elevators) where there was no escape!

You might have to wait for hours to hear EACH of these BUZZKILLERS on the radio, and meanwhile, you'd still be wide awake. But not so with this amazing collection! Just slap on the CD and you're on your way to blissful, merciful sleep--knowing that it's your only escape!

"Killing Me Softly" by Roberta Flack. What an apt title! One of the most exasperating songs ever written, as it seemingly never ends--going on and on without the slightest tempo change. And what the hell is strumming my pain supposed to mean anyway?

Plus, you get a BONUS song from Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face."
Taken from the Clint Eastwood movie, Play Misty For Me--about a crazed, homicidal groupie who stalks this radio deejay. It seemed poignant in the movie, because it was attached to a steamy love scene-- but out of context, it's hands-down the slowest, draggiest, barely breathing song ever recorded, and any deejay who plays it deserves what he gets from that groupie!

James Taylor's "You've Got a Friend." James Taylor is THE MAN, but there was a period in his career when all he wanted to do was mournful tunes like this one. If you ARE my friend, James, how about some "Steamroller Blues"?

Hey, we're just getting started, folks! No one could forget Debbie Boone's "You Light Up My Life." Pat Boone's daughter--her only other claim to fame besides this song was an acne commercial! Never mind that she couldn't sing--this insipid tune has probably killed more relationships by being played on Valentines Day than any other!

And that brings us to Elvis Presley's "Love Me Tender." It got to the point where anything that had Elvis's voice on it was a guaranteed hit. Even this yawner, with nothing but an acoustic guitar accompaniment strumming like, three chords. As big as he was, you'd have thought they could have afforded some instrumentation.

Oh my God--it's Bobby Goldsboro's "Honey." Okay, she died. Do you have to bring the rest of us down to your level of abject grief, when all we're trying to do is get that report finished so we can hand it in to the boss? Go drink yourself to death and join her! The ultimate tearjerker...too bad if you were in a good mood today.

"Feelings" by Morris Albert. Feeeelings...whoa oh oh feeeelings...trying to forget my... feeeelings of love... We're trying to forget that we ever heard this song. It's not working...aaarrgghhhh...IT'S NOT WORKING!

Next, it's that Merilee Rush classic: "Angel Of The Morning." She shacked up with the guy and he kicked her out in the morning. Now she's claiming to be an angel. By that standard, Madonna is a saint! The beginning of this song sounds like it was lifted from a funeral dirge.

"Don't Give Up On Us Baby" by David Soul. So saccharin, there should be a warning label that says this song may be hazardous to your health. She dumped you already, dude. No amount of pleading is going to get her back--plus, she stole your TV. How did this guy have the nerve to use SOUL for his last name?

"You Don't Bring Me Flowers" from Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond. No, you don't bring me flowers anymore. You won't even get up off your dead ass to bring me a beer. This is what relationships eventually fall into. It happens. But this song never should it over yet?

Don't go away--there's more! Yes, it's Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings." You supported me...I took all the glory...and now I'm throwing you a bone by writing this song for you, my good friend. More like the wind beneath my BUNS--get it?

And last but certainly least, we have "Tie A Yellow Ribbon" by Tony Orlando. The only bouncy tune in this collection. It's cute, the first time you hear it--but by the 500th time, you want to smash your radio against the wall! And all those yellow ribbons people started desecrating the trees with...uh, pardon me, but you're trespassing on my property, JERK!

There you have it folks! Be one of the first one thousand people to order BUZZKILLERS and we'll throw in a FREE alarm clock to get you up in the morning after your restful sleep!

(WARNING: Avoid listening while driving--WILL cause drowsiness.)


  1. Hmm ... there are a few on your list I've never even heard of and a couple I've heard of but don't really know. On somewhat of a tangent, though, I have to say that there are also songs like Banana Phone, which make me want to commit random acts of violence.

  2. SHERRY,
    So you can feel my pain!

    I can only say to consider yourself lucky that you haven't heard some of these songs. But I have to wonder what kind of radio you listened to that you missed them! (Classical?) "Banana Phone" I'm not familiar with...can you hum a few bars?

  3. Hey Tim, I love them all, ok maybe not so much Debbie's and only becaus it played every 15 minutes..
    But Roberta Flacks's two numbers, you can't attack, I adore her and her songs, OK?
    Now if you want sleep-inducing, irritating stupid song you will never knw the truest until you hear 'Sugar Daddy' by Patsy Gallant, I swear I almost want to slit my wrist....

    I've looked at other people's lists of songs they hate, and many of my favorite songs were on there, so I can understand where you're coming from (Canada, right?). So just be aware all such lists are subjective, and not meant to be an affront to anyone else, but more in solidarity with those who have similar likes and dislikes as me. :)

  5. I agree with Lorraine they played that Debbie Boone song every 15 min, I was pretty young but I still hate that song! I have heard all of these , most of them were before my time :)
    Btw I had to recreate my google account to get back in on here, do not know what happened. I did bookmark it, so i hope that helps. Thanks Tim!!

  6. "Honey?" Make it stop, make it stop!

  7. CINDY,
    Debbie was such a sweet looking girl too...too bad she's cast in the role of the one who makes everybody scream, hold their ears, and rush to change the station!

    Honey...the worst of the worst!

    Oh, there are more, but I thought I'd be merciful and limit it to twelve!

  8. I'm way behind (buns up...)but couldn't let this post slip by without sayin' I hear you, or is that the alarm? Great jocularity!