A SHORT POEM ABOUT THE SHORT LIFE OF AN OLD HIGH SCHOOL BUDDY NAMED "CASSO."

He met his maker

in a Studebaker

that crashed head-on

doing ninety

It was whispered

in the halls

that all they found of him

were his balls

The crash scene

reeked of booze

And I remembered his tattoo:

Born to lose

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Fruit Cocktail...

the pears

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MATERIAL WITNESS

For One Shot Wednesday

I saw you again

at the last red light

the girl on the billboard

flagging a ride

to catch a flight

But all wings

to the City Of Angels

were grounded by fog

so we taxied around

until we found

a cheap room

There were clean sheets

but no Bible

You kissed me awake

with your haunted eyes

ran your hands

down my worn Levis

We poured the wine

and talked about how it feels

to

be

frozen

in

time

You said: How is it effected

this transformation

from image to cell?

I said: I learned it once

in a madhouse

just a place we called hell

and you're a material witness

With the dawn

a woman's voice

singing an ancient tune

Your picture in the paper

an apparent suicide

from the east side

of the river

The girl on the billboard

at the last red light

the fog had lifted

at last she made her flight

WE ARE ALL CHILEAN

Once

in a while

some scrappy sonzabitches

beat the odds

when they had no right

to expect it

And the rest of us

watch

fists pumping

cheering

our spirits bolstered

as we gamble

on our own tomorrows

THE LAST LAUGH

For One Shot Wednesday

You've come a long way

baby

from the bustle

to the thong

While you're thinking chic

we're thinking CHEEK

but what's been lost

is a certain mystique

that made grandpa

stay with grandma

for half a century

so entranced by finally laying

eyes upon that which had been concealed

for so long that he never got over it

But now

with nothing left to the imagination

could it be that men will find

that we are REALLY more attracted to your mind?

HEY INSOMNIACS !

SNORE Productions presents: BUZZKILLERS!

For the first time ever in one collection, here are twelve of the most insipid, inane, stupid, boring, draggy, guaranteed to put you to sleep songs ever to hit the pop charts!

They're all here! The songs that either bored you to tears or drove you to the brink of suicide, as they were played OVER and OVER and OVER again on the radio, or in places (like elevators) where there was no escape!

You might have to wait for hours to hear EACH of these BUZZKILLERS on the radio, and meanwhile, you'd still be wide awake. But not so with this amazing collection! Just slap on the CD and you're on your way to blissful, merciful sleep--knowing that it's your only escape!

YOU GET:

"Killing Me Softly" by Roberta Flack. What an apt title! One of the most exasperating songs ever written, as it seemingly never ends--going on and on without the slightest tempo change. And what the hell is strumming my pain supposed to mean anyway?

Plus, you get a BONUS song from Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face."

Taken from the Clint Eastwood movie, Play Misty For Me--about a crazed, homicidal groupie who stalks this radio deejay. It seemed poignant in the movie, because it was attached to a steamy love scene-- but out of context, it's hands-down the slowest, draggiest, barely breathing song ever recorded, and any deejay who plays it deserves what he gets from that groupie!

James Taylor's "You've Got a Friend." James Taylor is THE MAN, but there was a period in his career when all he wanted to do was mournful tunes like this one. If you ARE my friend, James, how about some "Steamroller Blues"?

Hey, we're just getting started, folks! No one could forget Debbie Boone's "You Light Up My Life." Pat Boone's daughter--her only other claim to fame besides this song was an acne commercial! Never mind that she couldn't sing--this insipid tune has probably killed more relationships by being played on Valentines Day than any other!

And that brings us to Elvis Presley's "Love Me Tender." It got to the point where anything that had Elvis's voice on it was a guaranteed hit. Even this yawner, with nothing but an acoustic guitar accompaniment strumming like, three chords. As big as he was, you'd have thought they could have afforded some instrumentation.

Oh my God--it's Bobby Goldsboro's "Honey." Okay, she died. Do you have to bring the rest of us down to your level of abject grief, when all we're trying to do is get that report finished so we can hand it in to the boss? Go drink yourself to death and join her! The ultimate tearjerker...too bad if you were in a good mood today.

"Feelings" by Morris Albert. Feeeelings...whoa oh oh feeeelings...trying to forget my... feeeelings of love... We're trying to forget that we ever heard this song. It's not working...aaarrgghhhh...IT'S NOT WORKING!

Next, it's that Merilee Rush classic: "Angel Of The Morning." She shacked up with the guy and he kicked her out in the morning. Now she's claiming to be an angel. By that standard, Madonna is a saint! The beginning of this song sounds like it was lifted from a funeral dirge.

"Don't Give Up On Us Baby" by David Soul. So saccharin, there should be a warning label that says this song may be hazardous to your health. She dumped you already, dude. No amount of pleading is going to get her back--plus, she stole your TV. How did this guy have the nerve to use SOUL for his last name?

"You Don't Bring Me Flowers" from Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond. No, you don't bring me flowers anymore. You won't even get up off your dead ass to bring me a beer. This is what relationships eventually fall into. It happens. But this song never should have...is it over yet?

Don't go away--there's more! Yes, it's Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings." You supported me...I took all the glory...and now I'm throwing you a bone by writing this song for you, my good friend. More like the wind beneath my BUNS--get it?

And last but certainly least, we have "Tie A Yellow Ribbon" by Tony Orlando. The only bouncy tune in this collection. It's cute, the first time you hear it--but by the 500th time, you want to smash your radio against the wall! And all those yellow ribbons people started desecrating the trees with...uh, pardon me, but you're trespassing on my property, JERK!

There you have it folks! Be one of the first one thousand people to order BUZZKILLERS and we'll throw in a FREE alarm clock to get you up in the morning after your restful sleep!

(WARNING: Avoid listening while driving--WILL cause drowsiness.)

I'M GONNA LOVE YOU

For One Shot Wednesday

I'm gonna love you till...

The stars fall from the skies

Till all the lakes and rivers run dry

Till the eyes roll back inside your head

Till all the Osmond Brothers are dead

I'm gonna love you till...

You're weak in the knees

Till Stephen King stops killing all the trees

Till Madonna bares nothing but her soul

Till Santa stops filling my stocking with coal

I'm gonna love you till...

Justin Bieber is an old fuddy-duddy

Till Dick Cheney stop shooting his hunting buddies

Till Ugly Betty takes off those stupid looking glasses

Till gas prices stop kicking our asses

I'm gonna love you till...

I eat some chocolate covered ants

Till Britney Spears puts on some pants

Till O.J. finds the real killer

Till I have a wet dream about Phyllis Diller

I'm gonna love you till...

All the Hummer owners put the earth ahead of their egos

Till all the guys with beer guts quit wearing speedos

Till Kathy Lee Gifford promises never to sing

Till Pee Wee Herman stops fooling with his thing

I'm gonna love you till...

All the CRAP that's made in China is safe again

Till they get those muhfugging snakes off this plane

Till the Grinch Who Stole Christmas is apprehended

Till all the holes in my BVDs are mended

I'm gonna love you till...

Sarah Palin wins another election

Till I figure out what to do with this four hour erection

Till I start up a band that's called "The Schmucks"

Till health care in America no longer sucks

I'm gonna love you till...

Hillary is back in the White House

Till you spay or neuter your spouse

Till The Blue Man Group looks pretty in pink

Till Glenn Beck stops raising such a stink

I'm gonna love you till...

Donald Trump lives in a one room shack

Till Kirstie Alley skips a snack

Till those greedy bastards extract the last drop of oil from the earth

Till the Octomom stops giving birth

I'm gonna love you till...

Pluto is reinstated as a planet

Till Jimmy Hoffa is found encased in granite

Till Ted Nugent becomes a vegetarian

Till Paris Hilton becomes a great humanitarian

I'm gonna love you till...

Lucy stops screwing with Charlie Brown's head

Till all the starving children are fed

Till The Ghost of Christmas Past comes to bite me on the ass

Till somebody explains to me what the appeal is of Rascal Flatts

I'm gonna love you till...

The men's crapper at the Denver Greyhound bus station gets the doors back on its stalls

Till Lindsay Lohan stops climbing the walls

Till Natalie Holloway is found

Till Simon and Garfunkel are homeward bound

I'm gonna love you till...

Someone decides what's wrong and what's right

Till I don't have to pee in the middle of the night

Till all the wars are fought by politicians

Till the children of the ghetto have decent living conditions

I'm gonna love you till...

We stop insulting seniors by calling them "Honey"

Till they find all of Bernie Madoff's money

Till we understand that borders are only in our minds

Till a man takes a stroll on Mars just to see what he finds

Till the nuclear missiles are removed from their pads

Till babies grow up again with DADS

Till every homeless person has a warm place to sleep

Till an eye-for-an-eye becomes turn the other cheek

Till mercy and justice prevail

Till I get my tax refund check in the mail

I'm gonna love you till I put out the dog and bring in the cat...

Do YOU wanna be loved like that?

FELINE FUNNIES # 3