Tuesday, January 3, 2012

SWIFT AND DETERMINED (inspired upon observing a local TV news person striding through the mall)

Hi, it's ME...the girl who does the local news on TV.  Yes, and I'm BEAUTIFUL!  Well, you can see that, you pitiful peon!  No ugly girls on television, you know. I see you gawking when I pass by but...don't look at me!  Well, I mean...just LOOK at me, dummy! 

Life is grand when you're byootiful!  I walk through the mall in a swift and determined way. As if to say GANGWAY PEASANTS--my heels pounding the tiles.  And what does it feel like, you pathetic piece of poo that's stuck to the bottom of my shoe?  Don't try to stop me!  Well, yes---STOP ME, if it's copious praise you'll be heaping. 

'Cause there's no ugly girls on TV. Okay, well, there's that UGLY BETTY show. Geez, what's up with that?  Oh yeah, and there's Martha, my colleague. Not nearly as FABULOUS as me!  She's a MINORITY--and you know how that works.   Still, she PLOWS through the mall in a swift and determined way, thinking she's hot poop just because she's on TV! What a stupid thing to think. But not if you're BAYOOTIFULL!  Now, kowtow to me, you scum! 

When he hired me, my boss said there's no CASTING COUCH. But I did him anyway, just to cement our relationship. Cement...that stuff that starts out soft and then gets hard...tee hee!  Never a dull moment. 

Oh yeah, I had a STALKER once. Calling me at all hours of the night. Breathing real heavy into the phone and making these weird chicken noises. And peeking into my windows. Well, I can't really blame him for that. Like, who WOULDN'T if they got the chance? It puzzled me for a long time. Then I got this BRILLIANT idea to look at my caller ID display when the guy was on the phone. Sure enough, there was his number!  Turns out it was my little brother's best friend. That knucklehead! I told him I might give him a good spanking if he didn't watch out, but he just looked at me with this weird grin on his face.

Now, I want to say something about the way we look on TV. Some people think just because I have this BLANK STARE on my face when I'm doing the news,  that I'm stupid or something.  But when we read these stories about homeless people getting squished in trash compactors and stuff, my boss doesn't want us to show any emotion.  That's because EMOTION could be, like, expressing an OPINION with your face. And some people might get OFFENDED if we did that. Then, if they tune out, our ratings would go down.

I know in another ten years they'll be booting me out on my butt--replaced by someone who's younger and (don't want to say it) more BYOOOOTIFUL.  But before they can do that, I'll get knocked up and go on maternity leave. Hey, last year the weekend anchor filled in for Jennifer for like, SIX MONTHS. And she wasn't even preggers!  She brought these pictures of her SISTER'S baby into work and showed them around.  Yeah, we ain't dumb, ya know. No, pathetic excuse for a cockroach.

Hey, it's not all a bed of roses. There's hair and makeup right before the show. And having to learn those big words like Ahmadina...uh...Amajina...uh...oh FORGET IT, panther poop!  I'm not paid to be SARAH PALIN (she's smart!)  I'm paid to be FABULOUS. It's in the contract. Anyway, it's time to go parading through the malls again...

So BOW DOWN to me, you slugs!

ADORE ME, pig lickers!

WORSHIP ME, maggots!

Oh CRAP...look at that...I just broke another nail. 


  1. hehehe....are you sure its not the botox that keeps you expressionless? smiles...oy it is so hard being beautiful and it takes a bit more than that to get my cement hard...smiles.

  2. Have I ever mentioned I love the way your mind works? I used to have to 'assist' the local anchors at a retail place here--they were guys but with the same major attack of auto-erotic love, if you get my drift, and only the weatherman wasn't a total dick. Loved this one Timo.

  3. I was kind of with you till the stalker part, I don't think anyone, no matter how conceited, would take that as a compliment. The women and men I've known who are (by conventional standards) incredibly beautiful all have some painful anxieties about it that wouldn't be apparent from the outside.

  4. LOL the cement crack was genius, kind of an airhead indeed.

  5. This is great! I love your humor!

  6. Hilarious, Timoteo. I just had a thought - what would happen if you and Fireblossom collaborated on a poem-story? Hilarity at warp speed!

  7. Feel better? LOL. Seriously, this is another wonderful satyr's romp through the woods-- xxxj
    And what does it feel like, you pathetic piece of poo that's stuck to the bottom of my shoe?

    that's going right into my repertoire for the next jerk that comes jerking off ...the ramp. xxxj

  8. ugh...i can see her..and i don't want to meet her...but would've loved to sit on a bench next to you in that mall and watch you while you watched her...haha...great write tim!!

  9. BRIAN: Botox--never thought of that!

    HEDGEWITCH: Having toiled in radio and TV broadcasting for eons, I can corroborate your observations.

    KATHY: Point well taken. But this is PARODY--by its nature often exaggerated and stretched to ridiculous extremes.

    PAT: A good thing we haven't had to cement our relationship!

    TERESA: Thanks for shopping.

    SHERRY: Sure...if you can sell her on the idea!

    JENE: A satyr's romp? Well, it's true I've been called a horse's a** before!

  10. hahahaha this was fucking hilarious! brilliantly done - you had me laughing throughout - the casting couch line - the strutting through the mall - and the thing is, like the others above I can SEE her! it rings all too true - how satirically brilliant! nice work!

  11. This is such a cool write. I can just imagine this in my mind....

  12. your brain is so random.
    and why not shit? why poop? lmao

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  14. OSTENSIBLE: Thanks for that. When the prerequisite for getting hired for such a job depends primarily on physical attributes--what you see is what you get!

    FILLINGAHOLE: Because "panther poop" is more poetic...its got, like, ALLITERATION!

    THINGY: Sure.

  15. I loved reading this one. I am not so very good in humour, but I have tried it in my haiku.

  16. Awesome write. You nailed it!

  17. incredible piece of humor writing, Thanks for sharing.