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Friday, February 19, 2010

SAVING THE TIGER


Just after his big apology speech, I hooked up with Tiger Woods TELEPATHICALLY, and he granted me the following interview.



TIMOTEO: Hey, Tiger--thanks for the time.

TIGER: No problem, man. I've got a little down time before I go back into rehab.

TIMOTEO: That was some public apology you made--how do you think it will play?

TIGER : It should play well, I think. This country likes to build you up until it thinks you've gotten too big, then it likes to knock you down and stomp on you until you've groveled and REPENTED-- then, in many cases, they'll admire you even more, no matter what you've done. Then you can write a book about it and capitalize on the whole thing. Not that I need the money, but it will help with my image--which is what I need to work on.

TIMOTEO: So how's that rehab thing going?

TIGER: It's going well---I mean, I HAD to do it--part of that whole penitence thing, you know. Anyway, you should see this one counselor I've got--she's pretty HOT, man. Uh...make sure that's off the record.

TIMOTEO: Sure. Tiger, do you REALLY think you're a sex addict?

TIGER: Hell no. I was just a guy doing what a hell of a lot of guys would do if they thought they could get away with it.

TIMOTEO: No argument here. But you seemed truly contrite during that televised speech that was carried live by all the networks, pre-empting the less important news--like the economy, health care, and the war in Afghanistan.

TIGER: Well, I truly AM sorry that I hurt my wife, Elin. Like most women, she doesn't understand that a guy can truly love his wife and still be tempted by every braless bimbo out there who makes goo-goo eyes at you--and in my case they were all over the place, dropping like an easy 15 foot putt.

TIMOTEO: Why do you think men and women have such a hard time understanding each other?

TIGER: Society places unrealistic expectations on a relationship. Love and fidelity--those are two different things, man. And unfortunately, when a man follows his natural instincts, he gets beat up for it...I-I didn't mean that. Like I said, Elin never laid a hand on me that night.

TIMOTEO: So you weren't hiding out all this time to let the scabs on your face heal before you made a public appearance?

TIGER: Nah. And me wrecking the car--I was just in a hurry to get to the store and back with the ice cream she wanted before the re-run of her favorite TV series, Xena: Warrior Princess started. Anyway, about this man-woman thing. You know, a farmer only keeps one or two bulls in his herd--the rest are cows! It's the bull's JOB to go around and service all those cows. That's just nature operating.

TIMOTEO: Kinda like an episode of The Bachelor.

TIGER: You think any of them cows are jealous? Nope. They just go around eating grass all day.

TIMOTEO: That's quite insightful, Tiger. People wouldn't have any idea of what a philosopher you are--especially since you never commented on much of anything before. You know, people would have really LISTENED to you, if you'd had anything to say.

TIGER: Well, I'm a new man now. And I'll tell you one thing already. I think Michelle Obama is one of the hottest...er, I mean NICEST looking First Ladies we've had in a long time.

TIMOTEO: Final question...any target date for your return to golf?

TIGER: No, but it will be sometime this summer. I aced that apology, as you know, and I can feel the momentum building--the world wants me back! Just imagine--me stepping out on that course again...the crowd going wild...the networks breaking into their regular programming to show me teeing off--live. REDEMPTION! And then the inevitable movie they'll make about Tiger's rise from the ashes. Who do you think should play me?

TIMOTEO: Oh, Denzel Washington. No question.

TIGER: Yeah, I like that. Is this a great country or what?

TIMOTEO: It surely is, Tiger. It surely is.


14 comments:

  1. lol! If he wasn't so keen to have the perfect image complete with beautiful wife and children, he might have had all the cows he wanted and no one would have cared at all.

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  2. hahhaha!! You are wonderful, Tim :)

    I was listening in bits and pieces to his 'Breaking the Silence' -- he was talking of Buddhism :)

    wishes,
    devika

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  3. Men need too many toys! they're a little childish that way and irritating....I say give him a spanking, and carry on!

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  4. I deliberately made sure I missed this particular press conference. ENOUGH already. If he wants to sow his oats in as many fields as possible I just wish he would go ahead and do so quietly.

    I'm almost wishing someone else in Hollywood would screw up so the vultures can feed on some new meat for a change.

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  5. You need to do an interview post on the mistresses, Tim. Seriously. This new one, the former porn actress I think, went on the news to tell everyone that she changed her appearance so she could keep a low profile (and, thus, showing everyone her new appearance!), and also invited the news cameras to watch her watch Tiger's apology! And she cried, and was offended that Tiger didn't openly apologize to her and the other mistresses! I can't figure out who's living on the alternate universe, me or her!

    I understand why there are so many cynics and critics about his apology, and the absurdity of networks giving him this huge time slot, but I am more baffled as to why the media and the people they interview are so caught up in this (other than their 15seconds of fame). It's because of the media that he was 'forced' to make an appearance at all, to make them go away. Each network and each news team actually had 'experts' to 'judge' whether he did a good job or if he was being honest! Huh? And they interviewed people on the street to get their opinion, and one guy actually said 'I'd like to have seen him more emotional'. Tell me, please, WHY IS EVERYONE CRITIQUING HIS APOLOGY?

    I just don't get it, and I think we talked about this when you did your first Tiger post. I know it's a relatively harmless pasttime, like watching a soap opera to escape your own troubles, but I just don't get it. I know we enjoy it when the rich and famous topple from their pedestal, but I just don't get it. I know they're doing studies in universities about the phenomenon, and years from now maybe they'll have an answer.

    To take an example from his apology speech...on what universe is it ok to go to his two year old's school, and announce to the world where it is? HE screwed up, not his little kid, so what makes the media think that this is ok, that this is news-seeing the kid at it's school? I just.don't.get.it.

    Sorry, Tim. I kind of got carried away, didn't I? I guess to sum up my comment, I'd say that Tiger and his actions or the merits of his apology are a non-issue...it's the media who has kept this whole thing going, who has made this such a huge issue. They're the ones who need to be critiqued. Do an interview with a 'media' person, high or low on the totem pole, and ask them what makes them tick!

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  6. Oooo! It's such a nice day here!
    __Blue skies... some birds singing, the brooks are full and harmonizing with the birdsongs, the breeze is light, and the sun is radiating this sweet air.
    __There is this promise of arrival, a new spring, an apology, and an attempt at redemption for this winter... in it's attempt to fade away; as I trust in this change, I sense that winter... will come again. _m

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  7. DEVIKA,
    If he wants to follow the "middle path" of Buddhism, he should compromise and tell his wife he's going to keep just one or two mistresses, so that he doesn't make any radical changes right away ;)

    LINDA,
    I think you've expressed the sentiments of many, many people, including myself. There was a time in history when it would have been those who knew about it gossiping over the backyard fence, and it would have stayed relatively contained. But now everyone has instant access to everything that goes on in the world--and that's
    why it's become such a circus...but I don't think human nature has changed at all--we've always loved to gossip.

    LORRAINE,
    If I didn't know better, I'd think you might have certain biases about men. :)

    GYPSY,
    Don't worry, the next high profile screw-up is waiting in the wings!

    TALON,
    Yeah, you've just got to make choices in life, rather than always trying to have it all. Mooooo...

    MAGYAR,
    Love the way you tied all that in with Tiger-- in such a poetic fashion!

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  8. Great interview Timoteo...seems like Tiger really opened up. Move over Oprah :)

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  9. MAXINE,
    Wherever high-profile, sneaking around, scumbag wife cheaters are--I'll be there! (Peeking through the keyhole.)

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  10. He is a Vile and Odious fellow with no grip upon his Manly Passions.

    Can you put me in contact with him? I should like him to enter the Silly Poetry Contest, where I woulds't roundly Trounce him.

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  11. SIR PERCY,
    I don't know...there was nothing sillier than that TV speech he gave! :)

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  12. 你可以從外表的美來評論一朵花或一隻蝴蝶,但你不能這樣來評論一個人........................................

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  13. I don't get it either, why anyone would want to listen to his apology on live television, it's just plain dumb and I think this is one of those times I'm glad I don't own a tv, anyway, thanks for the laugh

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  14. LISSA,
    The TV networks should apologize to US for putting it on in the first place!

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