SWIFT AND DETERMINED (inspired upon observing a local TV newsperson striding through the mall)

Hi, it's ME! Yep, the girl who does the local news on TV. Yes, and I'm BEAUTIFUL! Well, you can SEE that, you pitiful peon! No ugly girls on television, ya know. I see you gawking when I pass by. But DON'T LOOK AT ME! Well, I mean... just LOOK at me, dummy.

Life is grand when you're beautiful. I walk through the mall in a swift and determined way. As if to say: GANGWAY, PEASANTS! My heels pounding the tiles...and what does it feel like--you pathetic piece of poo that's stuck to the bottom of my shoe? Don't try to stop me! Well, yes...STOP me if it's copious praise you're heaping.

Cause there's no ugly girls on TV. Well, okay...there's that UGLY BETTY show. Geez, what's up with that? Oh yeah, and there's Martha, my colleague. Not nearly as fabulous as me--but she's a MINORITY--and you know how that works. Still, she PLOWS through the mall in a swift and determined way--thinking she's hot poop just because she's on TV. What a stupid thing to think! But not if you're BYOOTEEFUL! Now, kowtow to me, you scum!

When he hired me, my boss said there's no CASTING COUCH here! But I did him anyway--just to cement our relationship. Cement...that stuff that starts out soft and then gets hard. Tee-hee! Never a dull moment. Oh yeah, and I had a STALKER once...calling me at all hours of the night--breathing real heavy into the phone and making these weird chicken noises...and peeking into my windows! Well, I can't really blame him for that. Like, who WOULDN'T want to if they got the chance? It puzzled me for a long time. Then I got this BRILLIANT idea of checking my caller ID display when the guy was on the phone...sure enough, there was his number! Turns out it was my little brother's best friend. That knucklehead! I told him I'd give him a good spanking if he didn't watch out, and he just looked at me with this weird grin on his face.

Now, I want to say something about the way we look on TV. Some people think just because I have this BLANK STARE on my face when I'm doing the news, that I'm stupid or something. But when we read these stories about homeless people getting squished in trash compactors and stuff, my boss doesn't want us to show any emotion. That's because EMOTION could be--like-- expressing an OPINION with your face, and some people might get OFFENDED if we did that. Then if they tune out, our ratings would go down.

I know in another ten years they'll be booting me out on my butt--replaced by someone who's younger and (don't want to say it) more BEAUTIFUL. But before they can do that, I'll get knocked up and go on maternity leave! Hey, last year the weekend anchor filled in for Jennifer for like, SIX MONTHS. And she wasn't even preggers! She brought these pictures of her SISTER'S baby into work and showed them around. Yeah--we ain't dumb, you know. No...were BAYOOOOTEEFULL--you pathetic excuse for a cockroach!

Hey, it's not all a bed of roses. There's hair and makeup right before the show. And having to learn those big words like: Amadina.. uh...Amajina... oh, FORGET it, panther poop! I'm not paid to be SARAH PALIN. (She's smart!) I'm paid to be FABULOUS. It's in the contract.

Anyway, it's time to go parading through the malls again...

So BOW DOWN to me...you slugs!

ADORE me, pig lickers!

WORSHIP me, maggots!

Oh CRAP...look at that...I just broke another nail!