ANALOGY (recycled poetry)

Knowing that most blog readers don't normally delve deep into the archives, it's time to occasionally recycle a post from the early days of Catnip--when nobody was reading my blog but me. (I'd manufacture comments to leave for myself, then answer my own comments. Trouble was, they all had the heading of "Timoteo" on them, which made me look like a split personality.) This poem is earth friendly, because it's made out of one hundred percent RECYCLED WORDS. And remember, if you haven't seen it...IT'S NEW TO YOU!




And the cry went up:
SEAL OFF THE BORDERS!
The illegals are overburdening
our social services,
contributing to crime, pollution,
and the tequila shortage!

Meanwhile, the killer bees
came up from Mexico...
they didn't stop to clear customs,
and they don't have green cards--
but they've assimilated into our society
and the world hasn't ended.

Sure, once in a while
they get really pissed-off
and kill somebody--
but ANY ONE OF US,
on a given day,
might do the same.

Generally, though, if you leave them alone,
they're just like everyone else--
content to be with their honey...and pollinate.

POLITICS AS USUAL

Recently, during a speech to a joint session of the U.S. congress on the subject of health care reform, president Barack Obama was "heckled" by representative Joe Wilson of South Carolina, who  shouted "YOU LIE"  when the president stated that illegal aliens would not be eligible for health insurance coverage under his proposed plan.  The ensuing uproar over this lack of decorum had many people calling for the congressman to apologize. 

But meanwhile, in a PARALLEL UNIVERSE, the whole incident happened just a little bit DIFFERENTLY...

THE PREZ: ...and I want to reiterate my position that I think that BABIES are CUTE!

THE CONGRESSMAN: You LIE!

(Speaker of the House Nancy Polosi is aghast, looking around the chamber to see who might have the unmitigated balls to shout at the president, while Vice President Joe Biden shakes his head in disbelief. Pretending not to notice, the president continues with his speech.)

THE PREZ: And I also want to make it perfectly clear that PUPPY DOGS are cute too!

THE CONGRESSMAN: Arab! 

(A few of the congressman's Republican colleagues begin to snicker. One of them pats him on the back.)

THE CONGRESSMAN: Arab terrorist!

(His colleagues guffaw, stomp their feet, and spit tobacco juice on the floor. House speaker Pelosi appears to be on the verge of barfing, as she raises her gavel to try to maintain order.)

THE PREZ: But NOBODY is as cute as MY WIFE!.

THE CONGRESSMAN: Hitler!

THE PREZ: Except for my two lovely DAUGHTERS, of course!

THE CONGRESSMAN: Heil Hitler!

(The president stops in mid sentence, and glares in the direction of the congressman, )

THE PREZ: One more peep out of YOU, sir, and I'm going to come down there and stick my fist down yo DUMB CRACKER pie hole!

THE CONGRESSMAN: (Mouth agape) He called me a dumb cracker! You hear that everybody? The president is out of line...out of LINE!

(The president jumps down from the podium and sprints over to where the congressman is sitting--as the man's Republican colleagues, who were egging him on just a moment ago, begin to scatter. The president straddles the congressman in typical lap dance fashion, grabs hold of the man's nose and begins to TWIST.)

THE CONGRESSMAN: Help! HELP! Ooh. Ughh! Arghhh! 

(The president lets go of the congressman's nose, pats him on the head, and returns to the podium, to the sound thunderous applause from the Democratic side of the aisle, and stunned silence from the Republicans.)

THE CONGRESSMAN: My NOSE! I think it's BUSTED!

(The TV camera zooms in for a close-up of the president, who shakes his finger at the camera.)

THE PREZ: I told you, America,... this was NOT  going to be POLITICS AS USUAL! 

   

I ACCEPT THIS AWARD ON BEHALF OF...UH, ME!

My first award... many thanks to HAPPY BIRDIE over at MY INNER SPACE--someone who inspires me with her unwavering positive attitude!

PLEASE DON'T BRING THAT UP AGAIN

You want to have your cake

And eat it too

But that is only something

That bulimics can do

POTTY TALK

I get some pretty cool stuff in the mail. As the former president of a non-profit group that is now defunct, I still receive bulletins and brochures from businesses that cater to organizations that may be staging events for the public. The most interesting thing I've received of late is a "SPECIAL EVENT PORTABLE RESTROOM CALCULATOR." NEVER AGAIN will I be at a loss to determine how many portable toilets I will need for my next Super Bowl party! It's all right here in this handy calculator. For example, if I'm staging an event where 500 attendees are expected, (big Super Bowl party) and the time length of the event will be about 5 hours, I will need SIX portable restrooms to serve everyone's needs; however, if ALCOHOL is being served, (and that's a given at a Super Bowl party) I will need SEVEN portable pee palaces to fill the bill.

Isn't that great?

My special event portable restroom calculator takes into account that people have to run to the potty more often when they're drinking. This little device thinks of everything!

Oh, and you'll love this. There's a note that states: The number of restrooms (why do they call

them "restrooms" when they're just mobile outhouses like we used to have down on the farm?) should increase if over 50% of expected attendees are female.

Ladies, let's have your comments on that.

Yes, with my handy portable event restroom calculator, I'm prepared for ANY event drawing up to ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND people. Just so you know, a 5 hour event with that many people requires 691 portable poopers. If alcohol is being served, the number goes up to 781. (Then you gotta figure in how many women you might have and adjust accordingly.)

So the next time you're planning a wedding, birthday party, or a bar mitzvah--no need to make your guests stand (or squat) out behind the house writing their initials in the snow. NO! Just call on me and I'll get my trusty calculator out and give you all the portable privy (cuz I'm privy to it) information you'll need. And I know where to get them.

INTRODUCING GYPSY!

COME TAKE A WALK WITH GYPSY AND ME!

WHITHER I GOEST...

1. A big buncha saguaro cacti in the national park next door.

2. Like...mountains, man!

3.The Woodpecker Hotel.

4.Strange looking UFO hovering near Timoteo's back yard.