Friday, June 22, 2012
HE
With Real Toads--d'Verse Poets Pub
He tried to
show them
that they were dreaming
and that if they could
awaken
within the dream
and recognize it
for what it was
that they could manipulate
it, and do all kinds of
cool stuff
like turn water into wine
(party time!)
still
nearly everyone
continues to snooze
(without the free booze)
still perceiving
the dream to be reality
subjected to the most capricious
twists and turns
of the Subconscious Imagination
including nightmares
that seem to be
so terribly real
Saturday, June 16, 2012
LANA
With Real Toads--d'Verse Poets Pub
she showed up on my doorstep
one day with two suitcases--
looking like a lost waif.
my best compadre Dan knew her
and had sent her down from the states
because he thought--for some odd reason-- that I
could arrange an abortion for her
as it was still illegal.
i had lots of contacts,
but not in that arena
and i told her so.
she wasn't showing yet,
so we decided to make the best
of her time there anyway.
we had come from the beach
and were meandering along the Condado
when a local cop on a motorcycle
pulled up beside and told us we couldn't
be on the street looking like that.
she was wearing just her bikini
but it was tame by today's standards
and i had seen plenty of tourists
navigating these streets in similar attire.
then I realized he wasn't referring to
the bikini, but the way she filled out the bikini
(it was June, and she was busting out all over.)
he even mentioned that drivers
could get into accidents
from gawking at her (swear to God).
i took off the shirt I wore over my trunks
and gave it to her to put on and the
civic-minded embodiment of the law
allowed as how that would be acceptable
and we walked on back to my place.
we made it that night
haphazardly
and half-assedly
with her saying in the middle of it
"ya gotta understand
this doesn't mean much to me
becuz i still love Clyde."
(right--just not enough to bear his spawn.)
in the early morning
Nan came by,
cooing at me through the slats
of my bedroom window.
then suddenly shouting you bastard
(waking up the pious Puerto Rican family next door
who had given me dirty looks before)
and stomping off
when Lana raised her strawberry-blonde mane.
that cost me dearly.
but what's a young buck
trying to live in the moment to do?
years hence, Dan informed me that Lana
had done a photo spread for a notorious
skin magazine.
not once, but twice..
i thought about trying to locate some back issues
to see if i could find her
and then i said
why bother.
been there.
done that.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
FORGIVE ME
It is said
that in all
the dimensions
that we
here
cling to one
of the lowest
rungs
with our constant
craving
and our ceaseless
desire
and yet
we pour the wine
the music plays
I gaze
into your eyes...
Forgive me
for loving this life
it is all
I've known
or can remember
Friday, May 25, 2012
DANCER
with real toads--d'Verse Poets PubShe was the pride of the neighborhood,
sitting pretty on daddy's knee--
now she wonders how she got from there to here
when the world looked the same each day,
the changes like time-lapse photography.
But she's got a date with Jimmy tonight,
and everything's gonna be alright.
Bobby sox queen,
young boy's dream,
twistin' the night away
under the shadow of the red menace,
till queen of Camelot
sees it all blow up in her face...
the illusion that we are growing
toward something other than death quickly dispelled.
Doin' the frug and the monkey and the funky
chicken, while sacrificial lambs are led to slaughter...
the domino theory collapsing under its own weight
as overgrown boys play games with real men's lives.
But she's got a date with Jimmy tonight
and everything's gonna be alright.
Dirty dancing, disco inferno,
and win one for the Gipper--
slashing social programs like Jack The Ripper,
in the land of the free and the home of the Atlanta Braves.
Now, some of the men still stare,
but when she looks in the mirror
it's getting harder to save face...
it all went by in the blink of an eye,
from cold war to hot flashes.
But she's got a date...
Rumbling through the desert night,
Jimmy riding shotgun in the Pathfinder--
she stops along the back road,
and when she is ready, wraps her lips
around his shaft... and swallows.
"Jim Beam you're a HELL of a lover," she gasps,
then caps the bottle and sets him back onto the seat--
turns up the radio and begins to dance in the moonlight.
And somewhere in the night
the KILLER still wails GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!
and dreams of the budding nipples
of his child bride
as he slugs down a six pack of Ensure,
defiant till the bitter end.
She sways to the music and
the world goes rushing by as it always does--
but she is happy now...
thinking only of how this unbearable lightness of being
can be reconciled with a heavy heart.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
THE LADY RESIGNS HER LONGTIME POSITION
Shut up
and go to hell
you arrogant little fart
the love between us
has long ceased
swept clean of any hope
a dark thing
hardly visible
its face a black skull
The fetid corpse of you
still rots inside my trench
an old historic battlefield
in need of a plaque
A backyard barbecue
in need of some lighter fluid
and a match
Should a thousand more weenies
sizzle in this pit
none will ever be
as shriveled as yours
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
CHIP ART...It's In The Bag! (Part 2)
d'Verse Poets Pub
Here we go again, kiddies...an all new grouping of incredible images from potato chip land! Would you believe GEORGE WASHINGTON??? Scroll down and reel back in shock and awe!
(If you missed part one, scroll down a little further.)

Here we go again, kiddies...an all new grouping of incredible images from potato chip land! Would you believe GEORGE WASHINGTON??? Scroll down and reel back in shock and awe!
(If you missed part one, scroll down a little further.)

Thursday, May 10, 2012
CHIP ART---it's in the bag! (Part 1)
And now, in our never ending effort to bring you the quirky and the weird, Catnip presents: CHIP ART! There's a whole world of creativity out there in potato chip land...and I intend to discover it. So check out these amazing images, all hand-picked by yours truly. (Uh...you'll have to cock your head to the left to view the cat properly--I couldn't figure out how to set him right side up.)
In potato chip land, the law of the jungle applies--those that pass the test survive and become famous...those that don't get eaten!
This is just a taste for you (so to speak) as we'll be crunching our way into discovering some of the most incredible images ever found! In fact, I'll be posting more this (Tuesday) evening...so come back in a few hours to see GEORGE WASHINGTON and lots more. CHIP ART...it's in the bag!
P.S. I will accept photo submissions of chip art--if they are unique--and credit you for the photo when I post it. (timschaefer41@Gmail.com) I intend to get you all obsessively searching through your potato chip bags for undiscovered art treasures! Hahahahahahoohoohoohooheeheeheehee....
Thursday, May 3, 2012
AN AMERICAN PASTORAL
Poetry Potluck--With Real Toads--d'Verse Poets Pub
Ladies and gentlemen
welcome aboard the SOUL TRAIN
chuggin 'cross America
and movin on down the line
tha's right...tha's right...
My name is Thaddeus K. Trumbo
and I am your conductor...
We will glide through the beautiful countryside
with stopovers at significant locales
that comprise the tapestry of this great land...
chugga chugga chugga
chugga chugga chugga
First stop: RIPOFF CITY
where all the street signs
are in fine print
and everyday is the last day
of our gigantic warehouse sale
BUY ANY TWIN SIZE MATTRESS
AND PAY ONLY THE QUEEN SIZE PRICE
HURRY...THIS SALE MAY ONLY BE HELD OVER
FOR ONE MORE YEAR!
chugga chugga chugga
chugga chugga chugga
Next stop: WASTED TOWN
Where everyone gathers
to slurp n burp
down at the ol' Scarf n Barf
(many of them have just come
from Ripoff City to drown their
sorrows)
Wasted Town...
where the motto is:
Same time
same place
gettin' shitfaced!
chugga chugga chugga
And just down the tracks apiece, ladies and gentlemen, is Wasted Town's sister city: VOMITVILLE...
the capital of clueless teendom
where all the guys
are flashing hand signs
and all the girls are flashing their boobs
and the beer is cold
direct from our cooler
to the porcelain god
you will worship at the end of the hall
Ah, what a lovely day to glide
through the countryside
where peace
and tranquility reside
HEY--OVER THERE...hold it down...you cruisin' for a bruisin' boy...I'll do a RUMSHPRINGA right on yo head...
tha's right...tha's right!
chugga chugga chugga
Next stop:TELLYVILLE
where all the women are patronized
by male script writers
so they are tough
and go 'round kicking
all the men's asses on every cop show
sliding around the corner
squeezing the livin' crap outta that gun
with both hands
and yelling FREEZE!
Meanwhile, down at the local TASTY Freez
some are still as sweet as before
chugga chugga
Next stop: PROMISE LAND
Not to be confused with the Promised Land
no no
Here, all the politicians
from mayor on down to dog catcher
keep promising that pie in the sky
just to get reelected
but year after year
the only thing they deliver is
that same old poop soup
YOU HEAR ME OVER THERE???
I'll beat you like a DRUM, boy...
not a snare...a KETTLE!
tha's right...tha's right...
chugga chugga
chugga chugga
NEXT stop: the village of PC HEIGHTS
where you WILL apologize
for speakin' your mind
to anyone who has
an axe to grind
and that sensitivity training
for postal workers
is working out fine
but sometimes
you can still detect them seething
behind that counter
chugga chugga chugga
wooowoooo...
Ah...now ladies and gentlemen
we are pulling into WEST ATLANTIS
where the residents, in their thirst
for instant gratification,
have tried to live a lifestyle
well above their means--
and the houses can no longer be seen
because they are all underwater
chugga chugga
Next stop: IMPERIAL VALLEY
Where the powers that be
feel duty bound to meddle
in the affairs of any and all
if it serves their interests
like an HOA drunk on power
they will occupy your house
and push you around
and any resources you have
might be converted to their own usage
and still they haven't a clue
as to why everybody hates them
chugga chugga
And now, folks, a special treat, as we are entering the village of NOSTALGIA GARDENS
Where every ten years some event from the past
is commemorated with media hype and tributes
even though it no longer has any bearing WHATSOEVER on the present
and even though nobody wants to think about it anymore
we will drag it out again
JUST because it's been ten years
and that's a neat number
(as we speak they are preparing tributes
for the tenth anniversary of Milton Berle biting the big one)
Ah, we SO like to look back
here in the good ol' USA--
as looking ahead is getting
scarier by the minute.
.chugga chugga chugga
Last stop, ladies and germs: DOG TOWN
All passenger must disem...BARK
heh heh
Here in Dogtown, all the residents have their noses in the air
(they have to) 'cause nobody cleans up after their pets
as the motto is: we wouldn't stoop that far.
Watch your step folks...watch your step...
those ain't no Jimmy Dean sausages fryin' on the sidewalk...
no no
seems we always steppin' in somethin' STINKY
here in the good ole USA...
Now, I wanna thank you folks
for being such a good-
ALRIGHT--tha's it! I'm comin' over there to open up
a big can of WHUP ASS on you boy!
Git offa my train...
An' watch yo step...
tha's right...tha's right...
Sunday, April 29, 2012
EVERY DOG
Poetry Potluck--With Real Toads--d'Verse Poets Pub
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
Danica Patrick win a big race
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
The young girl who can't sing have her moment
at the local talent show
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
The Cubs win the pennant (World Series
would be too much to ask)
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE
The guilty guy put one over on Columbo
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
The streaker at the football game
get away scot-free
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
The matador get taken out by the bull
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
A working mother in Detroit
pay a lower tax rate than Mitt Romney
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
Charlie Brown really kick the football (just once!)
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
Cloris Leachman win Dancing With The Stars
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
Stephen Hawking get a lap dance in his wheelchair
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
Tiger Woods hold a press conference and announce
that it's his life--and he will screw whomever he pleases
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
The liberation of Paris (with my own eyes)
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
Chaz Bono get a real penis
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
Everyone who has truthfully spoken his mind
refuse to apologize to anyone
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
This great cosmic glitch occur as the universe short-circuits-- and for a while
all the percentages are thrown totally out of whack
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
Every dog have his day
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
Danica Patrick win a big race
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
The young girl who can't sing have her moment
at the local talent show
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
The Cubs win the pennant (World Series
would be too much to ask)
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE
The guilty guy put one over on Columbo
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
The streaker at the football game
get away scot-free
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
The matador get taken out by the bull
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
A working mother in Detroit
pay a lower tax rate than Mitt Romney
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
Charlie Brown really kick the football (just once!)
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
Cloris Leachman win Dancing With The Stars
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
Stephen Hawking get a lap dance in his wheelchair
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
Tiger Woods hold a press conference and announce
that it's his life--and he will screw whomever he pleases
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
The liberation of Paris (with my own eyes)
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
Chaz Bono get a real penis
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
Everyone who has truthfully spoken his mind
refuse to apologize to anyone
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
This great cosmic glitch occur as the universe short-circuits-- and for a while
all the percentages are thrown totally out of whack
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE...
Every dog have his day
Sunday, April 22, 2012
ANOTHER APRIL
What is this "growing old gracefully" shit?
Does it mean that you will not bitch
about aches and pains?
Does it mean that you will just smile
when all the young uppities call you "honey,"
when you'd really like to rap them about
the head and shoulders with your cane?
Does it mean that you will no longer be able
to hop on the table
at the dance
and drop your pants?
And if you did
would they all just snicker
instead of scream?
I like to think of grace
as maintaining my own pace.
Each morning the road is filled
with cars, trucks, motor homes, and bulldozers
gunning past me like I'm standing still
just because I'm doing only
five miles an hour over the speed limit.
If any of them had been on the Titanic,
they'd have learned to chill,
and immerse themselves in the journey,
cuz you're not always going to dig the destination
Another April has come and gone,
and I'm in less of a hurry
to get where I'm going--
more inclined to listen to music
instead of news--
so I'll take some time
to take the long way home,
and when I run out of road
I want the radio to be playing
this same silky sax
as I fade
into the topaz twilight.
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