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Sunday, August 14, 2011

PERV...2011




I had a dream that Sarah Palin
was letting me feel her up--
and during those few moments
when my hands
were running wild over her body,
fingers even slipping inside her pants,
I thought that I might even
get to like her a little--
even though I find her politics
alarming,
and her cavalier disregard for living creatures
appalling,
but getting a feel for her was
pleasing--
and no, she didn't mind at all--
so I felt a bit confused
when she said she would do
whatever it took to win my vote,
and so I said okay
you've got my vote...
cuz that was what it took.

Then I allowed her to get back in line,
and she boarded her flight.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

THIS POEM (inspired by the debt crisis, the economy, war, rampant paranoia and...you name it.)













This is not your father's poem
we must admit it's true...
this poem belches at the dinner table
picks its nose at the opera
and passes gas in church...PEW!
This poem is a nasty little bugger that will sneak a peek up your dress
or bite you on the rear if you don't stand clear.
This poem stepped on a crack and broke your mother's back.
This poem wants you to wear your stiletto heels and give its ass a whack.
This poem doesn't give a damn if you're black or if you're white.
This poem IS black...this poem IS white.
This poem don't care if you're gay or if you're straight.
This poem IS pretty gay...and this poem WILL set you straight.
This poem needs no critique,
nor will it ever appear in some anal-retentive academic journal.
This poem possesses no mystique,
but its heart is pure and its message eternal.
This poem don't care about what's "PC" or what isn't...
This poem is free to sing My Country 'Tis of Thee...or 'tisn't.
This poem makes no apology to any lace-panty wearing pantywaists
who may be offended by words--
who believe that speech should be free
only when they agree.
This poem don't cotton to no flag waving love-it-or-leave-it hypocrites
who tell us we should love the symbol more
than what the symbol stands for.
(Do you KNOW what it stands for?)
This poem believes that life, liberty, and the pursuit of "hap"
is being threatened by the whiners and all of their crap.
This poem knows that our minds have been brainwashed
by those whose misdeeds have been whitewashed
until everything we believe is hogwash.
This poem advises you to murder your television.
This poem has had a hell of a vision
that your television is out to murder you.
This poem wants us to get our heads together--
this poem wants us to get our shit together,
but this poem doubts whether SHITHEADS can ever get it together!
This poem is bi-coastal.
This poem went postal.
This poem is headed for a fall...
this poem banged its head against the wall
and passed out in the toilet stall.
This poem is a celebration of what America once thought she could be...
and a requiem for what she has become.
This poem is done.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

MEMO TO A LANGUAGE POET







To get the most out of this poem, one should be at least somewhat familiar with what is referred to as Language Poetry. Please take a moment to read some lines from Leslie Scalapino, and then come back.

I think Scalapino's poems are prime examples of what I'm referring to in "Memo To A Language Poet." By the way, I read "Memo To A Language Poet" in a literal den of Language Poets on one occasion, knowing what I was getting into, and somewhat apprehensive about how it would be received. When I finished, a young dude got up and read something that was just as disjointed as Scalapino's lines--glancing over at me in defiance a number of times. I applauded him at the end, because I think it's important for all poets to support other poets...no matter how their work strikes us.


MEMO TO A LANGUAGE POET

As a toddler you rejoiced not in stacking the blocks
but in knocking them down--
and it must have been difficult for you
when the teacher said to diagram a complete sentence
because you refused to write one.
And I understand that your favorite
game was DISCONNECT...the...dots.

Now, you say, the idea is to separate

language

from

meaning.

Life has no meaning,
so why should poetry?

Imbued with ambiguity,
it's not just a poem--
it's an adventure.
But your fits and starts
are starting to give me fits--
and it would surely give me pause
if I could find one independent clause.

And it must seem like a ball
and chain, this societal expectation
to make a little sense--
for to write with coherence
would be grave interference
with your disjunctive conjunctive experience.

Now I'll admit that I've enjoyed your work--
this Chinese food of the literary world,
for three or four seconds at a time.
But I find that I'm always hungry again
when I reach the next line...
and I keep thinking that if you'd
only hold that thought for a few
syllables longer, you might at least
come up with some haiku.

In your defense, I know a guy who was on
a step ladder one day,
and stuck his head a little too close to the ceiling fan...
now he has a short attention span
and he thinks you're a genius!

But you're forgetting one thing:
Language was invented
for the purpose of COMMUNICATION--
otherwise we'd still be sitting around
the fire saying UUGHH...
and beating each other over the head
with clubs, and eating with our fingers...
otherwise you are mentally masturbating
on my eyes, so put that pen back
in your pants and get a grip
on reality this time.

Don't get me wrong--
I like to play as much as the next poet,
and I can be as cryptic as an Egyptologist

sometimes

but to disconnect language
from meaning--
you might as well remove the ball and chain
from inside your toilet tank.

Either way you end up with shit.






Wednesday, July 20, 2011

ADJUSTABLE WENCH










I'm looking for an adjustable wench.

One that when the grip feels
a little too tight
it can be backed off some
and when it's too loose
it can be tightened some too.

Seems all the ones
I've handled lately
are pretty set
in their ways,
and when I rotate them
a hundred and eighty degrees--
trying to get just the right angle,
they pop off
LOUDLY.
Seems they only like
certain positions
and it's
hard
to get their heads
back into the task
at hand.

I looked for one
at the hardware store
but the lady there
just gave me a funny stare.

But I need me
an adjustable wench
to get these nuts off properly,
because sometimes my arm
can get pretty tired
trying to do that.

One I can lay down
next to me
and know will stay put
while I take out my screwdriver
to finish the job.

OOPS!
Why looka there...
seems that in my haste
to finish this poem
I omitted an "r"
here and there
in certain...uh... critical spots...

I can be such a tool sometimes!

But now that it's posted
let me know if I should bother
going back and sticking them in..
or if you think you get my drift, anyway.







Friday, July 15, 2011

SENRYU STEW # 7: Potty Talk



















women's restroom line

longer than the men's--

more practiced in the art of holding it






we had an outhouse

that was a two-seater--

ma and pa held hands





Kaopectate convention

in Acapulco...

location location location



Friday, July 1, 2011

REHAB



Mah woman caught me lookin'
at another gal on the street
mah woman looked right up at me
and said in a voice so sweet:


YA GOTTA GO TO REHAB, REHAB,
YES YOU DO--
REHAB, REHAB,
OR I JUST CANNOT BE WITH YOU!

Rehab, rehab,
it's rehab for me and you--
rehab, rehab.
DON'T ASK--it's just the thing to do!

You'll deal with all those issues
of which your life is fraught
you'll deal with all those issues
you never had till you got caught

You'll have a bunch of counselors
they'll teach you everything
they'll teach you how to think
with something besides your ding-a-ling

Rehab, rehab,
it's rehab for me and you--
rehab, rehab,
DON'T ASK--it's just the thing to do!

You'll meet those famous philanderers
like Tiger and Jesse James
and all those other celebutards
whose lives went down in flames

They've been turned into robots
the kind of guys a gal can trust
they're caring and they're sensitive
and best of all--MONOGAMOUS!

It's the modern day equivalent
of a frontal lobotomy
gotta go to rehab
just to save me from bein' me!

Oops...ah farted...
gotta go to rehab for fartin'
Oops...I drooled right down mah shirt...
gotta go to rehab for droolin'
Oops...didn't use no deodorant...
gotta go to rehab for stinkin'

Now a man is gonna be a man
no matter what they try to say
if it feels good--DO IT--
just don't hurt no one along the way

Rehab, rehab,
it's rehab for me and you
rehab, rehab,
DON'T ASK--it's just the thing to do!
It's the modern day equivalent
of a frontal lobotomy
gotta go to rehab
just to save me from bein' me...
yeah, ah gotta go to rehab
just to save me from bein' me!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

SENRYU STEW # 6: Adventures With Gypsy






















early morning walk--
Gypsy sniffs
the latest Pmail







Gypsy perks up
when other pooches woof at her--
attention hound






strolling past the bank
with Gypsy--
she makes a deposit




Sunday, June 12, 2011

THE SUMMER FLIES




















The summer flies are banging
against my front screen door again
how insistent they are
on gaining their freedom


I just get settled on the sofa
and I hear them slamming
against the metal again

I rise to crack open the door
and allow another bunch to escape

How accommodating I've become
in my involuntary and ever growing
awareness of fleeting time


Go...GO I say
and be flies
go and eat poop
and whatever you can snatch
from someone's bistro cafe sandwich
go and be a scourge upon the populace
annoying and pissing off one and all
with your kamikaze fly bys
the world is your cat box
so feast your omniscient eyes upon it
and take it all in

It's all over in a few weeks
you know

MY
how
the
summer
flies

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

And now...the heroic adventures of...CACTUS MAN! (he's one PRICKLY dude! )



















We join Cactus Man at the local supermarket, where a relatively new trend is developing. Drugstores, markets, and the like are acting as collection points for various charities, and it is now commonplace for cashiers--at the behest of management-- to ask customers in the check out line if they would "like" (no pressure, of course) to donate money to the specific charity du jour. We'll conveniently add it to your bill.



CASHIER: Good morning sir, did you find everything okay?

C.M. Everything but my rear end...I seem to be losing it everyday in this economy.

CASHIER: (Oblivious, and ready to launch into her spiel): Oh, and would you like to donate a dollar to the Sisters of Perpetual Glum and Sorrow?

C.M.: Hmmm...you're the supermarket chain that touts "low prices everyday," are you not? And yet, I noticed that those rutabagas I bought are now a DOLLAR more per pound than they were last week...and most of your other prices have been steadily rising as well.

CASHIER: Well... ah...er...I only work here...

C.M. : (Raising his voice for nearby customers to hear) Last week I could have afforded to kick in that extra buck, but like most people these days, I'm on a budget. So who do you think is ultimately responsible for the Sisters of Perpetual Glum and Sorrow not getting that extra dollar in their pocket...ME? Or could it be...CORPORATE GREED???

CASHIER: Uhh...(hack...splutter...cough...choke...burp)... er...so did you find everything okay, sir?

C. M.: I'll find my way out the door is what I'll do--and likely never come back!

CASHIER: (brightly) Okay...next?


STAY TUNED FOR THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF...CAAACTUUS MAAAAAANN...he's one PRICKLY dude!










Friday, June 3, 2011

SENRYU STEW # 5: Supermarket Blues


















my supermarket

boasts low prices everyday--

consumer fraud





spaces in the parking lot

already occupied---

shopping carts





emerging from the aisle

with my cart piled high...

T-boned