TRUE LOVE

Hi there, guys... it's ME--THE BACHELORETTE! I know you GUYS watch The Bachelor-- cause it's like, every guy's fantasy to have this harem of 25 semi-attractive to attractive chicks to choose from--each of them so hard-up that they have to go on a TV show and cat fight with all the other girls to try to win the affections of this ONE semi-attractive to attractive dude. Yeah,

you don't want to admit to watching The Bachelorette, where the tables are turned and I am the GODDESS! But I know you're there.

Anyway, that was some finale, wasn't it? I had to pick between Ed and Kiptyn--and you know, I was IN LOVE with both of them. Really! Then REID shows up out of the blue to try to get me to pick him--and BOY, that's when I realized I was in love with HIM too! Amazing, huh? And after knowing each of these guys for only a FEW WEEKS.

I know people think,"What's wrong with you, girl?" You gonna get ENGAGED to some guy you've never even been with without the cameras filming you the whole time--that's just STUPID. And why YOU so hard up you have to go on this dumb show to begin with?

Well, okay--you've got a point there. But we aren't so DUMB, or even over-sexed (well, that's another story). We know that being on this show can give our careers a big boost, and that's the biggest reason why we're here. Hell, I might be able to parlay this gig into hosting my own GAME SHOW or something. And that thing about the cameras being on...hey, you forgot about the FANTASY SUITE, where I do a sleepover with each of the last three--or is it four--guys?Kind of hard to remember who I was with, come to think of it... or even remember their NAMES. But I know that I was definitely IN LOVE with all of them! And no cameras in the fantasy suite. No siree, BOB! (Was Bob one of them?)

Now, you out there watching in TV land have always wondered what's REALLY going on in the fantasy suite, where I'm spending the night with some guy I HARDLY KNOW-- but am definitely, one hundred percent SURE that I'm in LOVE with. Well...WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING ON? We're all adults here...duh! And the other two--or is it three--guys I spend the night with on the show...I just tell each of them that hey, Whatshisname and me, we just cuddled and then went to sleep. But let me tell you, in reality I was one WORN OUT little Bachelorette after those fantasy suite pajama parties!

So as you know from watching the show, I finally chose Ed to be the last man standing. The ONE AND ONLY love of my life! Even though I was still agonizing over Reid and Kiptyn just a couple of hours earlier. Because either of THEM could have been the one and only love of my life, but hey, you gotta pick SOMEBODY...that's the rules of the show!

Now, Ed and I are happily engaged, and we'll say our vows sometime...uh...NEXT YEAR, I think. But in the meantime, I'll be a busy girl. I'm in negotiations to do a photo shoot for Ladies Home Journal, a guest appearance on the Ellen DeGeneres Show, and a commercial for Trojan condoms!

Now don't forget, guys...the new season of The Bachelor is coming soon--where some lucky, semi-attractive to attractive couple will find TRUE LOVE forever!

THE MYSTERY DUDE

LATE 90's?

TIMOTEO LEARNS HOW TO CLICK THE SHUTTER ON A CAMERA!

Hi kiddies...decided to get with the program and post some of my own photos. Here's the

view from my front stoop...my front yard as it were.

More on the way.

SWIFT AND DETERMINED (inspired upon observing a local TV newsperson striding through the mall)

Hi, it's ME! Yep, the girl who does the local news on TV. Yes, and I'm BEAUTIFUL! Well, you can SEE that, you pitiful peon! No ugly girls on television, ya know. I see you gawking when I pass by. But DON'T LOOK AT ME! Well, I mean... just LOOK at me, dummy.

Life is grand when you're beautiful. I walk through the mall in a swift and determined way. As if to say: GANGWAY, PEASANTS! My heels pounding the tiles...and what does it feel like--you pathetic piece of poo that's stuck to the bottom of my shoe? Don't try to stop me! Well, yes...STOP me if it's copious praise you're heaping.

Cause there's no ugly girls on TV. Well, okay...there's that UGLY BETTY show. Geez, what's up with that? Oh yeah, and there's Martha, my colleague. Not nearly as fabulous as me--but she's a MINORITY--and you know how that works. Still, she PLOWS through the mall in a swift and determined way--thinking she's hot poop just because she's on TV. What a stupid thing to think! But not if you're BYOOTEEFUL! Now, kowtow to me, you scum!

When he hired me, my boss said there's no CASTING COUCH here! But I did him anyway--just to cement our relationship. Cement...that stuff that starts out soft and then gets hard. Tee-hee! Never a dull moment. Oh yeah, and I had a STALKER once...calling me at all hours of the night--breathing real heavy into the phone and making these weird chicken noises...and peeking into my windows! Well, I can't really blame him for that. Like, who WOULDN'T want to if they got the chance? It puzzled me for a long time. Then I got this BRILLIANT idea of checking my caller ID display when the guy was on the phone...sure enough, there was his number! Turns out it was my little brother's best friend. That knucklehead! I told him I'd give him a good spanking if he didn't watch out, and he just looked at me with this weird grin on his face.

Now, I want to say something about the way we look on TV. Some people think just because I have this BLANK STARE on my face when I'm doing the news, that I'm stupid or something. But when we read these stories about homeless people getting squished in trash compactors and stuff, my boss doesn't want us to show any emotion. That's because EMOTION could be--like-- expressing an OPINION with your face, and some people might get OFFENDED if we did that. Then if they tune out, our ratings would go down.

I know in another ten years they'll be booting me out on my butt--replaced by someone who's younger and (don't want to say it) more BEAUTIFUL. But before they can do that, I'll get knocked up and go on maternity leave! Hey, last year the weekend anchor filled in for Jennifer for like, SIX MONTHS. And she wasn't even preggers! She brought these pictures of her SISTER'S baby into work and showed them around. Yeah--we ain't dumb, you know. No...were BAYOOOOTEEFULL--you pathetic excuse for a cockroach!

Hey, it's not all a bed of roses. There's hair and makeup right before the show. And having to learn those big words like: Amadina.. uh...Amajina... oh, FORGET it, panther poop! I'm not paid to be SARAH PALIN. (She's smart!) I'm paid to be FABULOUS. It's in the contract.

Anyway, it's time to go parading through the malls again...

So BOW DOWN to me...you slugs!

ADORE me, pig lickers!

WORSHIP me, maggots!

Oh CRAP...look at that...I just broke another nail!

CONGRATULATIONS

I once knew a girl

who couldn't tell

her right from her left.

One day she said to me:

If there is TRULY a left

and if there is TRULY a right--

then why does the world

that I see on my right

when I turn to the north

become the world

that's on my left

when I turn to the south?

And I said to her: Congratulations!

You have just discovered

that the world is an illusion.

NEVER FORGET

Iran doesn't know how

to steal an election.

Saying that Ahmadinejad

won by a LANDSLIDE was stupid.

The opposition candidate

had massive support--

and everyone knew that,

at the very least,

the voting would be close.

They should have declared

it too close to call,

and turned it over to their equivalent

of the SUPREME Court--

where the SUPREME leader already knew

the vote would be rigged in his favor--

still denying the will of the people,

but creating the ILLUSION that

justice had been served...

THAT'S how you steal an election.

MODEL BEHAVIOR

Tall and gangly
with full pouty lips
but no hips.

The butt of jokes in middle school
as they towered over most of the boys--
now, here's their revenge.

Strutting in their undies
like God's gift to mankind.

Proclaimed "beautiful" by a handful
of eccentric fashion designers
and themselves.
Dogmatizing a standard
from which there can be no deviation.

But in reality
they are misfits still...
and sexy to whom?

Well, maybe a giraffe.

DIGITAL DESOLATION

Woe is me...woe is me...

The digital revolution

has screwed up my TV.

I hooked up my converter box

I did like they said

But now my local PBS station is dead.

I've scanned and I've re-scanned

And I think it's a sin

Cuz that stinking channel just will not come in.

Come to think about it

Those pledge breaks were long

Something about it just struck me as wrong.

They tried to convince me

I should pay them a fee

When I knew damn well their programming was free.

Yeah, something about that

Whole thing smelled funny

And NOW I'm glad I didn't send them any money!

ENHANCED POETRY TECHNIQUES

If it isn't torture, then why did you do it?
If it isn't torture, then what did you hope to gain?
If it isn't torture (if it's just a little game, let's say)
Then what made you think
that man would spill his guts?
If it isn't torture, then I'm sure you won't mind
If I do it to you...just to see how you like it.

SPEED SKATER

Woman with thighs
the size of tree trunks
slicing up big chunks of ice

Gliding light as a feather

But who will prize
those thunder thighs
when it's bikini weather?