Just after his big apology speech, I hooked up with Tiger Woods TELEPATHICALLY, and he granted me the following interview.
TIMOTEO: Hey, Tiger--thanks for the time.
TIGER: No problem, man. I've got a little down time before I go back into rehab.
TIMOTEO: That was some public apology you made--how do you think it will play?
TIGER : It should play well, I think. This country likes to build you up until it thinks you've gotten too big, then it likes to knock you down and stomp on you until you've groveled and REPENTED-- then, in many cases, they'll admire you even more, no matter what you've done. Then you can write a book about it and capitalize on the whole thing. Not that I need the money, but it will help with my image--which is what I need to work on.
TIMOTEO: So how's that rehab thing going?
TIGER: It's going well---I mean, I HAD to do it--part of that whole penitence thing, you know. Anyway, you should see this one counselor I've got--she's pretty HOT, man. Uh...make sure that's off the record.
TIMOTEO: Sure. Tiger, do you REALLY think you're a sex addict?
TIGER: Hell no. I was just a guy doing what a hell of a lot of guys would do if they thought they could get away with it.
TIMOTEO: No argument here. But you seemed truly contrite during that televised speech that was carried live by all the networks, pre-empting the less important news--like the economy, health care, and the war in Afghanistan.
TIGER: Well, I truly AM sorry that I hurt my wife, Elin. Like most women, she doesn't understand that a guy can truly love his wife and still be tempted by every braless bimbo out there who makes goo-goo eyes at you--and in my case they were all over the place, dropping like an easy 15 foot putt.
TIMOTEO: Why do you think men and women have such a hard time understanding each other?
TIGER: Society places unrealistic expectations on a relationship. Love and fidelity--those are two different things, man. And unfortunately, when a man follows his natural instincts, he gets beat up for it...I-I didn't mean that. Like I said, Elin never laid a hand on me that night.
TIMOTEO: So you weren't hiding out all this time to let the scabs on your face heal before you made a public appearance?
TIGER: Nah. And me wrecking the car--I was just in a hurry to get to the store and back with the ice cream she wanted before the re-run of her favorite TV series, Xena: Warrior Princess started. Anyway, about this man-woman thing. You know, a farmer only keeps one or two bulls in his herd--the rest are cows! It's the bull's JOB to go around and service all those cows. That's just nature operating.
TIMOTEO: Kinda like an episode of The Bachelor.
TIGER: You think any of them cows are jealous? Nope. They just go around eating grass all day.
TIMOTEO: That's quite insightful, Tiger. People wouldn't have any idea of what a philosopher you are--especially since you never commented on much of anything before. You know, people would have really LISTENED to you, if you'd had anything to say.
TIGER: Well, I'm a new man now. And I'll tell you one thing already. I think Michelle Obama is one of the hottest...er, I mean NICEST looking First Ladies we've had in a long time.
TIMOTEO: Final question...any target date for your return to golf?
TIGER: No, but it will be sometime this summer. I aced that apology, as you know, and I can feel the momentum building--the world wants me back! Just imagine--me stepping out on that course again...the crowd going wild...the networks breaking into their regular programming to show me teeing off--live. REDEMPTION! And then the inevitable movie they'll make about Tiger's rise from the ashes. Who do you think should play me?
TIMOTEO: Oh, Denzel Washington. No question.
TIGER: Yeah, I like that. Is this a great country or what?
TIMOTEO: It surely is, Tiger. It surely is.