Friday, October 9, 2009


Good morning, Mr. Johnson...yes, I know I'm a little late but the TRAFFIC out there--SIX BILLION people on the planet and most of them were in front of me! Yes, by all means, let's get down to business--that's why we're here, after all...

What's that?

Why do I want to work for this company? This company represents...everything I've been looking for...this company upholds the ideals I believe in...this company...the truth is, Mr. Johnson, I could use a JOB, that's all--isn't that what it boils down to for anybody? Geez, the economy sucks!

What's that?

How do I explain these gaps in my resume? Well, I could say that I was going to school, or on disability, but the truth is I was bumming around...Mexico...Central know there's a little island off the coast of Yucatan--when I was there it was so PRISTINE--now I hear there's a Hilton-

Whus that?

What's my biggest weakness? I dunno. Well, I used to play the horses sometimes...oh, I see, as it pertains to the job is what you mean...uh...I used to say that my biggest weakness was that I'm a perfectionist--you know, turn it around so that the negative really is a positive--but the fact is, Mr. Johnson, I just get bored after a while. I get burnt out. But it happens to lots of people...the same routine, day after day...but a week off here and a week off there and I'm a NEW man...did you know that women on vacation are so HOT...that's because they don't care...nobody knows who they are-

Say what?

Where do I see myself in five years?   Well, Mr. Johnson, ...ahem...I could give you some stock answer like,  I SEE MYSELF AS A RISING STAR IN THIS COMPANY!  Or what the hell, why not give it some real swagger--I see myself as a congressman... maybe Secretary of State...heh...but you know, the world is so uncertain--who the hell knows? Maybe I'll be a wino asking for spare change on the street...maybe I'll be passed out in some alley with rats crawling over me...maybe I'll be DEAD.

Maybe a better question would be:What will YOU be doing in five years? Probably sitting here asking these same questions of nervous applicants who've rehearsed the answers so that it becomes a game. Designated question...designated answer. And life goes on. But it's SO goddamn boring!  An even better question would be: Where the hell do you get off, asking me a question like that? No really--I want to know! If you and I were just sitting here having a beer together, you'd ask me if I'd been getting any lately, and we'd laugh, and maybe poke each other, and talk a little too loudly about the broad down at the end of the bar. That's an old Sinatra term..."broad"...we can't use it anymore. And we'd stumble out together around midnight, and I'd hail a cab for you--tuck you in and send you safely on your way...that's if you and I were sitting here having a beer, you see, if we were doing something other than playing these roles which I can see have grown as stale to you as they are to me-

What's that?

Yes, I know this is highly irregular...but...isn't that tie a little tight, Mr. Johnson? You don't look so comfortable...I'll bet you've worn that tie, or one like it, EVERY DAY of your life since you left college. Do you see the irony in that? A man reaches a certain stature in life and he's rewarded by having a noose placed around his neck-

Wha's that?

Yes, I know your time is valuable, but I just wanted to say that I HAVE the experience and I KNOW that I can do the job...and all of this other stuff is just crap--isn't it? Crap, you know what I mean...pretense. I mean, people need to be who they ARE, don't you think?


Yes, well, I'm sure that you have others to see today...I won't take up any more of your time. Anyway, I want to thank you, Mr. Johnson, for granting me this interview...

Yeah, I know the drill...don't call us, we'll call you.  


  1. I'm just ... speechless. That was awesome. I don't have one funny comeback at all for you today, because this is just so.right.on.

  2. I just have to echo what Wander said. You are hilarious Mr Timoteo and I'd hire you in an instant not only for your good looks and scintillating conversation but for your wicked sense of humour. Who wouldn't enjoy whiling away the day at work laughing at how crazy life is?

  3. LINDA,
    Thanks so seems we play so many roles in daily life where we have to act like something we're not--oft times we'd like to just break down and say, you know what--this is B.S.!

    Where do I apply?

  4. the right thing i would look for on a day like this, Tim :)

    I love these peek into life's idiosyncracies....if its all certain we are bored, if its too uncertain we can't bear!

    I loved that ending! :)


  5. LOL Oh Yeah Timoteo, wouldn't that be a blast, poor people out there looking for a job, who haven't met me. I'm a resume consultant of sorts, use to be a Career Advisor, and I could get employees ready for all kinds of interview and they were great. You just didn't meet me in time ...that was hilarious...After I'd help a employee to tailor his resume to match the job qualification, and once they were screened in, I got them ready for the Interview. I would tape them while I asked questions, and then would review the tape together and discuss the answers and the posture and the confidence...and yes I was damn good lol still cracked up about your post.

  6. A lot of emotions in this T.

    Where do they live?

    Soft love,

  7. DEVIKA,
    Striking a balance, I hear you saying. That's what we strive for in life--but sometimes life's a teeter-totter and slams your butt down hard! LOL

    The guy in this interview swore to me that he used your service before he applied for the job!

    Thanks for checking in. Hope all is well with you.

  8. I know Tim,

    My foot, i say to my life sometimes and i get normal! :)


  9. Broad: I am (almost, but not quite) too young to remember that term!

    Funny, I've always heard they ask these questions in interviews, but I don't remember actually being asked them. Granted, it could be because I blank out and never remember anything ...

  10. LOL NAH, NOT MINE, he wouldn't have asked such ninny questions ;)

  11. KOBICO,
    I am almost--but not quite--young enough not to have USED that term!

  12. __'Tis a confused life today... We make robots that act like people, and worse, people that act like robots.
    __Ahh, that programming, like Mr. Johnson's, thoughts funneled into a narrow tube beyond which he cannot function... no imagination.

    Love your comic views here, Tim! _m

  13. I was wondering why the traffic was so bad today - 6 billion people in front of me. Yikes!

    Absolutely hilarious :D

  14. DEVIKA,
    You have a pretty foot, anyway...

    I like that line about robots--we're a "one size fits all" society--making rigid rules that don't take into account the specifics of the situation--that's how we end up with idiotic "Zero Tolerance" policies.

    And the light is stuck on red!

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  16. ha! i am looking at it, Tim...only one who hasn't seen it might say that :)


  17. LOL, Tim :) That was great! You know, I bet if people were really that honest in an interview they just might get the job. At the very least, they will be remembered...LOL

    One question, I am a woman on vacation. Does this mean I'm HOT? :D LOL

    Have a fun day!
    Big Hug :D