Friday, October 9, 2009
Good morning, Mr. Johnson...yes, I know I'm a little late but the TRAFFIC out there--SIX BILLION people on the planet and most of them were in front of me! Yes, by all means, let's get down to business--that's why we're here, after all...
Why do I want to work for this company? This company represents...everything I've been looking for...this company upholds the ideals I believe in...this company...the truth is, Mr. Johnson, I could use a JOB, that's all--isn't that what it boils down to for anybody? Geez, the economy sucks!
How do I explain these gaps in my resume? Well, I could say that I was going to school, or on disability, but the truth is I was bumming around...Mexico...Central America...you know there's a little island off the coast of Yucatan--when I was there it was so PRISTINE--now I hear there's a Hilton-
What's my biggest weakness? I dunno. Well, I used to play the horses sometimes...oh, I see, as it pertains to the job is what you mean...uh...I used to say that my biggest weakness was that I'm a perfectionist--you know, turn it around so that the negative really is a positive--but the fact is, Mr. Johnson, I just get bored after a while. I get burnt out. But it happens to lots of people...the same routine, day after day...but a week off here and a week off there and I'm a NEW man...did you know that women on vacation are so HOT...that's because they don't care...nobody knows who they are-
Where do I see myself in five years? Well, Mr. Johnson, ...ahem...I could give you some stock answer like, I SEE MYSELF AS A RISING STAR IN THIS COMPANY! Or what the hell, why not give it some real swagger--I see myself as a congressman... maybe Secretary of State...heh...but you know, the world is so uncertain--who the hell knows? Maybe I'll be a wino asking for spare change on the street...maybe I'll be passed out in some alley with rats crawling over me...maybe I'll be DEAD.
Maybe a better question would be:What will YOU be doing in five years? Probably sitting here asking these same questions of nervous applicants who've rehearsed the answers so that it becomes a game. Designated question...designated answer. And life goes on. But it's SO goddamn boring! An even better question would be: Where the hell do you get off, asking me a question like that? No really--I want to know! If you and I were just sitting here having a beer together, you'd ask me if I'd been getting any lately, and we'd laugh, and maybe poke each other, and talk a little too loudly about the broad down at the end of the bar. That's an old Sinatra term..."broad"...we can't use it anymore. And we'd stumble out together around midnight, and I'd hail a cab for you--tuck you in and send you safely on your way...that's if you and I were sitting here having a beer, you see, if we were doing something other than playing these roles which I can see have grown as stale to you as they are to me-
Yes, I know this is highly irregular...but...isn't that tie a little tight, Mr. Johnson? You don't look so comfortable...I'll bet you've worn that tie, or one like it, EVERY DAY of your life since you left college. Do you see the irony in that? A man reaches a certain stature in life and he's rewarded by having a noose placed around his neck-
Yes, I know your time is valuable, but I just wanted to say that I HAVE the experience and I KNOW that I can do the job...and all of this other stuff is just crap--isn't it? Crap, you know what I mean...pretense. I mean, people need to be who they ARE, don't you think?
Yes, well, I'm sure that you have others to see today...I won't take up any more of your time. Anyway, I want to thank you, Mr. Johnson, for granting me this interview...
Yeah, I know the drill...don't call us, we'll call you.