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Friday, February 25, 2011

SONOFABITCH








I remember the first time.
It was a crisp Omaha morning, and I was four--
playing in my front yard when three boys came along.

They were BIG kids--maybe eight or nine--
and one of them said: HEY, YA LITTLE SONOFABITCH!
Just casual like...
I asked him what that word meant,
and he said: Go ask yer mama, sonofabitch!

So I did.

NOTHING...it means NOTHING, she said.
And: Who told you that word?
I led her outside to meet my new friends,
but they had disappeared.

And I couldn't understand why they had gone.

Years later there was a girl named Mary
who lived with me in the Hotel San Cristobal
overlooking the ocean in Old San Juan.
There was a little Italian place nearby
where we would drink wine and she would call me "Ducky."
Then one night we were arguing in bed
and she said:YOU SONOFABITCH
and tore my ring from her finger and threw it against the wall.
Then she disappeared.

And I couldn't understand why she had gone.

Time passed and one day my best old childhood buddy
came to visit me in Tucson. I met him
at the airport and he said: YOU OL' SONOFABITCH!

We caught up on things and downed a few,
then we downed a few more.
Before you knew it the days had flown by
and I was taking him back to the airport
where he did this funny bit, singing: We'll meet again...
don't know where, don't know when...
And then he disappeared.
Two weeks later I got a phone call--
he'd been in a bad car wreck and was lying
in a coma in an Amarillo hospital.
Two days hence he departed this world
without regaining consciousness.

And I didn't understand why he had gone.

But all that was long ago...
and things are gonna be different now!
So I've made me a new rule.

If you're gonna call me a sonofabitch...
you've got to promise not to leave.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

PREGNANT WEATHER GIRLS


























A cold front? A warm front?
Will it rain or shine?
He can't remember what she said
Cuz she just looks so fine

There's sexy Sue, and Ashley too
Reporting with exuberance
Then one day without warning
WHOAH--a big protuberance!

Now her face is glowing
Smiling oh so brightly
Cuz she's so proud to show the world
What she's been doing nightly

Oy! His curvy fantasy
Has turned into a blob
And now it's plain for all to see
That she's been laying down on the job

The boss was overheard to say
(Only half in jest)
That when she stands in front of the map
Her bulge blots out the whole midwest

Oh, those pregnant weather girls
There's one on every station
Don't get too used to seeing her
She'll soon be on vacation

Now you see her, now you don't
Now filling in--the janitor, STEVE!
But hey folks out there, don't you fret
She'll be back after months of maternity leave

She knows the camera loves her
But so does good ole Ted
And things would be much simpler
If she could just do the weather from bed

Yep, she's gonna have it all
A career and kiddies too
But all those little darlings
Will be raised by a nanny named Cindy Lou